Come what may

Life puts you down,
Life treats you bad,
Sometimes you feel like a clown,
when actually you're all mad.

Thats not how it seems,
Is it rainbow that you deem?

Well, i cant talk nmore,
Cause i have a lot to explore.

Come on, get out from the cup
Its time not to give up!

Give up? Choose not to.

jane austen

Manusia selalu prejudis bukan?
Manusia selalu tidak betah dengan sesuatu yang berlainan,
mudah saja membuat andaian.
Lebih mudah melemparkan kata.
Tidak pantas melihat ada hati yang terluka.
Ah,persetankan.
. Salahkan aku menjadi diriku?
Aku tak mau Klise.

circle of life

our birth were celebrated with joy. we were welcomed by families, with smile and presents. we live in the warmth of family love. for the lucky ones, they grow up surrounded by loving family. others may endure hardship during this process. the cliche/normal (depends on what do you mean by normal...this is based on my personal experience, cannot be generalized) will be --> grow up, and go to university, get married and have children. one by one friends found their life partner. some have started to have family. i wonder, when is my turn. but then i wonder again, is that all about life?
lets look back. we came into this world, greeted by familiar faces. these faces accompany us throughout our lives. now lets look around us. how many familiar faces that you know since childhood are still there? are they the same people. or are there more 'younger faces' than the 'familiar faces' that we know?
people say i am a thinker. well, maybe i like to ponder.
i love to visit my childhood life. i like to visit the place i grew up, specifically umah tok ayah. there are not many memories there, but i never failed to recall the emotions when i was there. today, my mind took me there again. and this time, 'the movie' took me to visit that place in detail. i saw the two old people that took care of me, i saw the rambutan tree that i loved to climb, the pink guava tree that is not so small but full of black ants. i revisit the store that once stored pak chaq's bicycle. i saw the fowl's pen behind the house. i revisit everything. i revisit the afternoon when i used to cycle around the village. then i realized, its not the same face that stays with me. the house is now empty. mak tok is no longer there. i dunno where she lives. i couldnt guarantee that she remembers me. tok ayah left me. abah left me. another year passed by. am i going to loose another soul that has accompanied me since i was born. and at last, how many soul will stay with me during my last moment. as more friends are getting married i noticed that we are now entering a new stage of life. and after everything in this world, what to be of us? how are we going to leave this world. how are we going to be welcome in the next world. i wonder how did the people before us went through this. i wonder how they felt during 'that moment between the two worlds'. and that left me tremble in fear.
what did they see? does it hurt? did they feel sad? are they frightened. if they were given a chance to tell us what they felt, what would they say? these thoughts make me shed tears. because i dunno what to become of me. how many hours do i have left? what happened to them now. i cannot rant about the questions echoed in my mind cause there are countless. i am afraid of the dark and small space. these conditions make me panic and breathless. however, i am now sleeping in the pitch dark. i no longer think about the scary faces or what so ever. because in this end, that will be my final resting place. a cold, dark, very small place.


days gone by. our time is getting near.

masa kematian: 7.51pm

Dude....i just cant live without it. i dont intend to get a new one though i can...(coz i have money..hehe). dear watch, ill take u to icu...so i can be with u again.

DO NOT DISTURB

i am very fussy about sleeping, coz im a light-sleeper. its very hard for me to sleep, especially during this nocturnal sleeping time. i have to catch some sleep before work. my actual time of sleeping is around 1900 to 2100. but phone keeps ringing. urgh. its not their fault though, coz they dont know that i am sleeping. but i have an idea of what i wanna do to makesure that i get some sleep tomorrow. hehehehehe....(emotion bertukar...from geram nk campak barang to senyum evil...hehehehe). ok. another 20 mins to go. sape kaco lepas neh, blanje aku sushi...wakakaka. nite.

ps: i dont think ill be able to sleep again.

Rutin Harian Saya

note: this is quite a long post, take ur time...

Assalamualaikum and Hello....(Ho Ho Ho)
Christmas is around the corner, but i havent done my christmas shopping. nah, kidding. i aint got no shopping to do. eh, ckp pasal xmas plak, raye haji tanak crite?? psst: come closer. nk cite neh.
RAYA HAJI
owh. besok dah raye ek. ok2, balek keje trus iron baju kurung and tudung. excited neh nk g raye. smayang subuh sume, trus lelap. hasnul kacau kul 8.45. urgh. too tired nk bangun. umah pon sunyi. lelap lagi. then i woke up...OMG. 12.30. aduh mak. dah terlepas raye. in short, i missed raya sbab i bangun lambat, and tghari tuh tak buat ape, just buat esaimen TSLD04 aje. emailed dr.z, cerite pasal raya, and she asked me to get an alarm clock. haha. i have my phone, just tak bleh bangun.
KEJA OH KERJA
the current situation is like this: i am no longer working at The Plymouth Herald (that newspaper company..this is my first job). I was terminated because of the economic recession. but before that, while working there, i sent my cv to a few places, and i got a place at The Nuffield Hospital. i was thinking of getting that as my second job, but then since i was terminated from Minster Cleaning(The Herald), Nuffield has become my first job. However, i am currently working at Royal Mail as a Xmas Casual Worker. while working at Royal Mail, i tak keje la dekat Nuffield. It is because i am a casual..meaning i am not tied to scheduled working hours. i think this type of work suits me well. sbab i am the person who takes her own sweet time. i tak suke keje pressure...nnt i stress. wakakaka. 'stress la!', kate tiku. heh. nnt la kite cite nape tiku tak suke keje under stress.
Ok, back to ROYAL MAIL. i work there from 2230 till 0630. sometimes if i work overtime, i work from 1800 to 0630. but the thing is, klu nk bt ot, silelah kuat. haha. i dah habis mendenda diri sendri (i denda diri sendri bt ot 3 hari sbab i nakal). insyaAllah ade kudrat, tiku bt la ot lagi. insyaAllah sabtu neh ot but 8 hours je la. from 2200 to 0600. The thing is, i dah maken berat hati nk g keje. wanna know why? (of course u do, or else u wont be reading this). sbab the more i spend time with seniors, the more i get to know them. and the more i get to know them, i get sad. coz theyll be leaving. nnt klu i penat2 kat royal mail tuh, i nak kacau sape? i will miss the sight of 5 taxi lining up to fetch 20 sumtin of us. i will definitely miss the sight of break time. full of Malaysians. when they go back, only 10 of us left. alah....manager pon comfirm rase sunyi. haih la seniors....i cant see you off coz ill be working at that time. aiyak. takpelah kan, i wish you all the best in everything. kejap sangat jumpe...gonna mish you much. take care!
zATI AND I
the two angels has gone back to malaysia on 8th december. its only me and zati in the house. feels like living in two different house coz we seldom met.
0800-1300: tiku tido, zati bangun kul 1100 kot.
1300-1530: kami memasak...'kami' lah sangat, 'die' lagi sesuai kot
1530-1730: tiku mandi, basuh baju ke hape...zati kat bilik
1730-2200: tiku, zati g keje
2200-0700:tiku still keje, zati tido
0700-0800: tiku balek keje, zati still tido.
this routine goes on until weekend. haih. sian la zati. dah la asek makan tak pedas.'weh, ko mesti sunyi aku takde kan...nnt kite tgk gossip artis eh'. haha. itulah keje off-task zati.
HANA AND NAD
ceh, balek msia je dah cite kat aku pasal makanan. ingat aku heran ke? (heran weh...aku perut2 western pn, msia ttp di hati). hana first day dah buzz aku sbab die jetlag. haha...gelakkan hana! si nadhirah plak, dok nk kuar duet gune kad lloyds takleh. hahaha...gelakkan nad pulak! ko saje eh nad, saje la tuh nk post2 pasal msia kat blog. ingat aku tak penah dok sane ke...asal aku bangun tido je....'isk..ape la aktiviti budak berdua tuh...' takpe, kompem penuh la jadual. weh, aku beli barang royal albert...hahaha. aku ngan zati beli pinggan mangkuk...wkakaka...macam makcik2...haih...takpelah. berbahagia la kamu berdua kat msia...asal bawak balek buah tangan kat aku..ill be fine. wakakaka.
THE DUCHESS
just finished watching the movie..urgh. why on earth Georgina dont want to pursue her love with Charles Grey?? ' coz she loved him so much, and she doesnt want his dream to crash' 'and she loves her child too'. but then, apsal that Duke of devonshire is soo 'hellish'. perangai takleh blah eh. he married to get a son, if its a daughter, he just glance, and go. didnt pay attention to her daughter. the issues of how cruel life can be is endless. go on, watch it for yourself. chup2...that Charles Grey tak ensem, but there is something about him (my personal view)...like ne yo's miss independent. "there is something about 'him'...". one thing i like the most about the movie is the language. wah. ala2 jane austin gitu. jane goody2...heh.
CIK YAN's VISIT
last weekend, my coach aka my lecturer aka apeapelah...visited me in Plymouth. alhamdullillah akhirnya sampai jugak..takde la lame die dtg, tapi cukup la utk menyakat2..hhaha.

to people, i mish you lah...tapi tak sempat nk bertanya khabar...tiku ingat je sume owang, tapi tak sempat.

hurm, saket. tapi...

lately, i am experiencing neck and shoulder pain. arineh, tangan aku kdg2 rase kebas la plak. aku nk basuh baju tadi pon, tak larat nk perah. aku pon tatawu apsal jadik camneh. i am quite worried. pk punyer pk,aku pn xtau nape aku saket bahu neh. i assume sbab dulu lame bawak drum, pastuh, aku jenis suke menyental lantai, dinding dan juge toilet. pendek kate, aku suke lah bab2 mencuci neh. note: mencuci dan mengemas adalah 2 mende yg berlainan. kat ipba, aku suke cuci toilet. dtg sini, since 14th april, aku jadi cleaner almost everyday. sampai la skarang. but since 1st dec, aku keje jadik mail sorter selamat 8 jam sehari. semalam aku keje 12 jam. insyaAllah klu diizinkan Tuhan, aku nk la buat ot hari2...tapi i have to listen to my body jugakla. i didnt dare to tell mak, that my shoulder hurts. i just realize this when i played badminton weeks ago. mcm ade something wrong. but i just let it be. then after a while, its getting worse. so, aku mmg tatawu nk btpe, just sapu minyak dan amek langkah berjaga2 seboleh mungkin.
Arineh flapjack aku tak jadi, but habis jugak in no time. sian cik yansempat rase sket je. besok aku buat scone plak. hahahaha....mmg sedap. aku yg semakin risau dengan jumlah chocolate dlm umah neh yg makin bertambah, ttp memakan choc secara berterusan. smpy la gigi aku berdenyut2 balek. haish. apela tiku. nk tules panjang lagi, tapi tangan dah semaken saket. bye.

Hello!

Just a quick scribble here.

ESAIMEN
ESAIMEN dan
ESAIMEN

sebab sy nk amek PhD, so, kene start blaja untuk memfokuskan diri, as well as learning academic writing dengan berwibawa. isk. untuk budak disruptive plus ADD mcm aku, mmg susah. tapi xpe, aku mmg siyes nk amek PhD. oleh itu, kene berusaha dengan bersunggung2 from degree lagi. mari kwn2...

i promised myself if i am being good as in makesure cukup rest, makan and plain water....i will go shopping after submit esaimen nnt. but hey, itu nnt. skarang neh, priority is to assignment.

not gonna give up

being in unfair situation will probably upsets us, especially feeling victimized. only the way we react can make the difference. if one react on the spot, the result may be not the way one wants because taking action when you're mad means you cant think correctly. me? i choose to keep it to myself for a short time till i feel better. i know myself. at least i am aware that i am emotional type of person, and i am quick tempered. therefore, after a while, i choose to confront the person. its better than keeping to yourself forever and merajuk tak tentu pasal. i am seriously upset, but i am not giving up. i will earn my respect. i am not gonna jeopardize my love for this thing, because of one person not being fair to me. because others have nothing to do with this, so they are not to be blamed.
i choose to proceed and im gonna prove this. simply because YOU ARE NOT BEING FAIR!
if i continue to protest, i am violating my belief. all this while i believe in if you give commitment, you will get it. you want something, work for it. if i choose to sulk, i am putting myself at risk because of emotional thing. so btpe kan. i did it once, when Cik Yan doesnt believe that i can make it to final hurdle. i worked for that, and i get silver. i proved it anyway. i want to gain something, not losing a thing. giving up? its just not me.

(feel like walking out and slamming the door, but i choose to close the door quietly, smiling sweetly before i left).

CHILDHOOD SWEETHEART

Memories of a childhood sweetheart, inbedded deep
Memories I know, I will always keep
In waking hours, and when I sleep
Memories of him always manages to creep.

Many the years that so quickly past
Still childhood memories continue to last
All those good old days, life was a blast
But time slips by much too fast.

Many times in my dream I can see
Standing there smiling sweetly at me
The childhood sweetheart I thought would be
My lover for life, my one and only.

A childhood sweetheart who can no longer share
A part of my life, yet I wonder does he still care
Today I'll say a very special prayer
For my childhood sweetheart somewhere out there.

Memories of a childhood sweetheart is making me blue
I wish I could live it again, how about you?

taken from: Norma Jean Duncan

finally, i manage to say what i mean. fuh~

post yg semakin merepek

to be honest, i dont really like the way i post lately. takde reason. so, forgive me for late update or anything. i will only post something better next time. heh. asek post2 pendek yg merepek2 camneh...tak best la. (personal view). till next post.

Wahai December

December dah menjelang....tolong2!!!

IT Assignment
Keja Royal Mail
Primary Written
TEYL Microteaching

Klise? Typical??

When Kak Melia talked about teenager are at a stage where they are still looking for their own identity....i wonder. years gone by...i though i understood that, but i know i didnt yet.

yesterday, went to Stuart Gold's class...i put on my usual jeans, my Adidas sweater, and my jersey? did i wear jersey. ntah. lupe. i know that i am very comfortable in that thing. it is just my thing. jeans, jersey or tshirt, sport shoes and adidas. i know i always go for sporty thing, but lately i forgot who i am. i mean, why do i have to go and be someone that is not me? why do i need to follow since i hate to follow. for me, yeah...lantakla nk kuar fesyen ape pon, i am wearing what i want to wear. yeah, all those pegged trousers, wide leg jeans...i think its nice. i admit its nice and trendy. up to that point only. it is not that i dont wanna wear it or something but i hate to be typical. just not me. i listened to all those jiwang melody since primary school, and i listen to it until now. Saddam once fall asleep listening to my buble, but i stay wide awake listening to that. and i got bubbly too. i am more to Nike and Adidas sort of person. well, hey...dont get me wrong. i wear Animal and i survey Zara and Monsoon too. ill buy skirt once in a while.

Most people will shop with their salary, but i think now its time for me to be wiser. i am a spendthrift. until now, i am very good at spending (most of us are). however, i think it is a good time for me to really decide on what i want, and really pursue it. dont mind if i am seen as a black sheep, every one is a black sheep anyway, in their own way. i see myself, as a person doing master before reaching 30, and on my way to completing PhD a decade after that, (i give myself time until i am 45). i want to start finding ways to financial stability. economic recession really push you to the limit. you never know you can save like this if its not because of recession.

well, once you walk into a shop, suddenly you need everything. sudenly everything is so cheap, that you can afford it, not knowing youll be in debt, or 'kering' when you get home. heh. normal...that is perfectly normal.

so, this is what i think Kak Melia means, that when one found herself, she is comfortable in what she is, regardless of what is going on around. it wont influence her that much since she knows where she stands.

owh..btw, need to finish my present list. but assignment is around the corner.
omg. dah asar!!!

hampeh la!

i am amazed at people who can bare their true self and let it show, regardless of what people say. me? nope. never. my past is too horrible even to start with. thats is why, i like being here. i am a lone ranger. since skola lagi, i am. i do care about what people say, but i keep it to myself. if i cry, i keep it in. well, some say i cant hide my emotion, though sometimes i tried to hide it...people who knows me well will know just how to interpret it. i am just an open book, coz i am chatty?? chatty ke? isk. pening la plak. dah tatawu nk tules ape. papelah. i dont know myself. maybe one of the things i am quite sure of is, i am comfortable in jersey, sports attire then in skirts or what so eva. not feminine sgt la, but bile im in the mood, aku blasah jgak. suke ati la kan nk bt ape...isk. post neh mmg hampeh. dah. nk g bace cerite fairy tales. pastuh nk tido. kan itu bedtime stories....

of nana patekar and agni sakshi

dinner time, talking to hana and zati about this 'one bollywood story' of a sadist. i watched this movie few times since mak likes to watch hindustan and we only have one tv a that time. so, i didnt have choice but to watch. im not talking about this nana patekar guy or the movie, but the emotion i get while watching this makes me remember it. i grew up being in umah pengasuh,(maktok) before tadika. maktok would switch the tv on during hindustan time. around noon, tv2 slalunya. if im not mistaken. thats where bollywood movies entered my life. being in umah maktok, i didnt like to watch tv or anything. simply because its not my home. i wanna go home to mak, but thats not possible coz mak was not home. she was at school-lah, what else since she's a teacher. then, next stage in life: primary school. when i came back, ill do whatever i wanted to do smpyla mak balek. around 4 sumtin. bile mak balek, i would be busy maen kat padang. so i didnt really lepak ngan mak sampyla weekend. weekend, biasela, panggung sabtu. i am not sure whether TV2 ade tayang hindustan or not, but i guess ade. it was jumaat, during noon. again, i am not sure. this is my favourite part. i am not into hindustan sgt, but the opportunity to spend time with mak is what i am craving for. even mak would only baring kat blakang, and doze off few minutes after that...leaving me nganga depan tv tuh without realizing that i had the chance to switch to other channel, for me that is haven. it was during one of this moment that i encounter this nana patekar guy and this movie. mak would tell me, " dia neh nama nana patekar"... or while watching pramlee..." ha, ni la mak ebby saiful" bla bla bla... i am not paying attention anyway. but somehow the info stay in my mind. haih. inilah berkat seorang ibu. ape die ckp entered my mind, and stay there. heh. young child crave for attention, same goes to me though i am not a child. it is due to this reason that i like to meng-ekor mak anywhere mak goes. from my house to Kompleks Dato' Kailan pon nk ikot. i even gule2 kan mak, ajak mak g avon. i didnt buy anything, but mak did. i sometimes deal with mak, that she would pick me up at home (when she got back from school) and we would go ronda2 pekan. i could rempit to pekan, tapi saje la. nk manje ngan mak. eleh. bukan buat ape. siyes, i didnt buy anything except Whiskas. yg membelinyer, mak. i just wanna spend time with her. itu aje. eh, apsal mate basah neh. stop tiku stop. go and get tissue. dah besar pon omsick ke...tata~

sengih sorang2 depan laptop

you should come and see my face while im writing this post. siyesly. hurm. you dont see me? mmg la tak kan...ill tell you then.
"sitting depan laptop, sengih mcm kerang busuk..hati berbunga2"
thats my condition now.

1. jam mak, snowglobe tok dah sampai. puas hati.
2. i am in love.

are you gonna ask me about that 2nd point? yep. ill tell you.

"Kau Tercipta"
heh, camne aku tatawu lagu VE yg neh. urgh. aku suke VE tahap nk nanges sbab derang berpecah. i mean, what on earth nk berpecah when you have such a fantastic fan like me. isk. klu la bleh bt surat protest. first thing first, i dont listen to malay songs since kecik. masuk skola menengah br blaja dengar lagu melayu. (stop there! jgn ingat aku nk blagak, tapi sbab tak biase). then, i started with bila rindu. wah..masyukk beb! mmg time tuh tgh bercinta pon. i was introduced with 'izinkan'. pergh. mcm makan sambal belacan! at that time, i cant decide which one i prefer, since i like both VE and Ruffedge. i guess time tuh pon derang br start,bt album skali ke ah? isk. tatawula. then, when they really follow path, i still cant decide. (apsal lah yg aku nak decide sgt neh...mampos la...layannn). not long after that i notice that i like VE more, because for me, music ruffedge bersepah. (abesla aku kene ngan Ruffedge Fan after neh). not bersepah like bersepah, but buat aku rase agak sesak compare to VE. so, i follow VE. i know almost all songs. incredibly amazing voice. just name their songs, ill sing it for you. i hate to start listening to them coz i wont be able to stop. once i gave someone their CD as a birthday present since he likes VE too. i can write non stop for my feelings for VE since im in love with them, but u will vomit reading it. hahaha. nah, hadiah sbab korang sudi dengar leteran aku pasal VE yg takde kene mengena ngan korang. weh, ive gtg la. kene tido. besok nk g maen2 madminton. not training. ill go maen2 ngan zati. wakakaka. madminton because we'll be maen2 like mad. wahahaha. isk. senyum la tiku...senyum sampai besok! lampu tido dah la terbakar...wakakaka.

owh, basically, VE is lagu cinta tiku. neh la lagu mase bercinta, mase konon2 bercinta, mase tak bercinta pon dengar. sbab aku cinta sama VE!

since i dont have anything to do...

actually i do have something to do, but i mean to write but dunno what to write. so i found this:

The English Language

Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?

Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out

And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.

dah la tiku, get back to work!

recap

mak: jam, kasut
tok: snowglobe, kasut

12 nov-18 nov: keje kat nuffield
17 nov: bday francene
19 nov: induction royal mail at 7pm, with kaknad
20 nov- 22 nov: brussels trip
21 nov : bday sarah
23 nov: prepare for TSLD10 presentation
24 nov: TSLD10 presentation
bday tasha
24 nov - 29 nov: keje nuffield
28 nov: dinner
4 dec: microteaching
5 dec: sslc
8 dec: submit written assignment TSLD10

ps: wes kawan2...tolonglah...aku takde idea nk tules ape neh...

episode: lebam

nmpak krusi tinggi.
"eh, best la klu bleh dok pusing2".. she walked to that high stool. doklah situ. mmg die maen pusing2 krusi. her friend yasmeng came and joined her.
" jom meng, meh aku tolak ko. bak sini kaki"
and she spinned her friend. krusi jatuh, keting kene kaki kerusi.
"ouch, saket!"
tgk keting, cam berdarah. tersenyap jap budak tuh. isk. kaki die berdenyut2 agaknye. luckily, her friend sempat lompat turun from that stool.yg tukang tolak tadi tu la yg cedera.

next.
isk. bola...kene kejar. tanpa mempedulikan GA yg ntah kat depan ke kat blakang die. die terus mengejar bola sebelum bola jatuh ke tangan lawan. gedebuk. aduh...dah la court neh tar. ergh. saket tapak tangan. alamak...suar koyak plak. seb baek banyak lapis budak neh pakai. or else, dengan kulit2 die pon koyak. isk. mase tinggal brape minit neh. tahan...tahan. maen dulu. saket nnt pk. die pon bangun balek, tanpa menyedari bahwa GA pihak lawan juge saket kaki. mereka sama2 tersadung.

one day before the past 2 incidents.(nuffield hospital)
nk amek mop nk cuci toilet ah lepas neh. cepat2...cepat siap bleh minom hot chocolate. bergegas nk g naek atas tanpa menyedari depan die ade meja. erk! saket! inilah sbnanyer lebam pertama di kaki budak itu. skarang neh die lebam2.

ps: kisah budak nakal. cedera bukan sebab maen. cedera sbab die maen2...

its different this time

another 20 mins to go to notts. obviously teringat kagum last year. kak sal will do post mortem at night, g amek food utk team. sidai setokin ramai2 kat ujong blok, then kene tiup angin, pastuh stokin masuk longkang. its weird, really, not to have tasha and line and sarah by myside this time. and cik yan too. and the person sitting beside me in the bus will not be the same person this time. haih. how i miss kagum. but thats not to put me down. just the feeling nk bertolak tuh still same. packing and stuff. its just that this time, balek keje trus packing, depart. i hope i can sleep well, after losing sleep this few days. penat woo...and i wish izzati will sleep soundly too. i know she's tired. cume die tak sempat pk yg die tuh penat, sbab...klu die pk pon, ape die bleh bt. keje ttp keje. meeting kene attend. extra work packing plus memasak still kene buat. nk maen besok plak. haish. kawan2...semoga tido lena dlm bas. aku bwk makanan byk, sbab aku rase nnt aku la kaki lapar. so, jgn peep in my bag, ull be surprise.
Line and Tasha: apa la ampa dok bt la neh. da abes exam ke blom ek. ok ke exam tadi? apsal tak reply msg aku, tasha?
Sarah: whr u? u kat aussie ke balek msia
nani, kilod, emma: eh, korang join orchestra ek? ade rezeki aku g tgk korang perform eh. ey, kilod, ko nk g jumpe zati ke? amboi2! siap ko.
family:.......................semoga segalanya dimudahkan Allah.
love you all. mintak maaf salah silap.

tata~

okay....then?

9.30pm,
i was walking back to Marjon. alone. yeah. at night. fine.
i reached student village and my eyes caught a group of people running. okay. i think they only had ties on. and i continued walking towards the car park, the one near the field. before i reached there, i bumped into these guys. ha, betul lah. stark naked. the first one to see me screamed, the same time with me. haha. kantoi. oklah. they were peeing at a number of cars. sian owner die. abes busuk kete pagi besok. then i buat2 bodoh. jalan je lah. i reached that quiet place kat carpark tuh. then these people ran behind me. isk. janganla dtg kat aku. i speed up my pace but not up to running stage. then ade sorang mamat neh, lari depan aku. yg laen ikot. omg. dah kene kepung. isk. apela derang nk bt. but i dont have that feeling, the one yg if u sense danger, u will sweat and your heart beats faster. i dont feel anything. but in mind, mestilah ter pk...ape la nk jadi kat aku neh. then i continued walking, even the guys formed a circle around me, and they were holding hands. kire if i wanna escape, it would be quite hard lah. isk. tadi aku dah tak pandang derang kan, apsal kene kepung plak neh. one of the things in my mind was, what would it be if it was another person in that circle. what if its hana, or nad, or zati, or yan. because they would be back almost at the same time with me. hurm. i wonder. when they formed a complete circle..."Marjon first team united!" ceit! neh mesti kes initiaiton nk masuk team.

i was relieved though. what if derang bt pape kat aku td? fon takde kat tgn. nk jerit, mmg tempat tuh takde owang. then came a car, derang nyer coach. haha. the guys pon smbung la lari lagi. mlm. sejuk. in nude.

moral:
balek keje lalu tempat gelap...eh, cerah.
follow ur instinct.
sentiase jalan laju2.., relevant tak?
jgn lari stark naked memalam bute. sejuk.

lastly, bukan salah tiku. salah derang tak pakai baju.

isk! time neh la nk tules blog!

isk. terase nk menules plak time genting nk bt esaimen. utk puaskan hati, kite write the point je.

1. academic journal
2. present list
3. rearrange laptop and segale files
4. yeay!!!!!besok dpt gaji....yezza!
5. isk. bil tepon 40 lebey.
6. briefing captains
7. prektis badminton and netball
8. nak pegi swimming
9. nk beli academic books and children books

eh, ini bukan yg nk tules. ini reminder utk diri sendri la. salah tempat la tules. hampeh!

dah. smbung bt keje. jgn violate diri sendri.

love,
tiku yg baek.

"AZIMAT ABAH"

'Azimat Abah' was written mase tiku kat skola dlu. once i get it, ill post it.

and so i violated myself

i violated myself
by realizing that i have ample time in hand
and doing nothing
not taking the chance
and realizing that
i m strangled after that

i violated myself
by pumping myself with food
till my eyes are way too heavy to read

and
i violated myself again
promising myself that i would colour
my dreams with rainbow
then i painted it dull
and dark

am i going to violate myself
again and again?
knowing that ive done it,
im still doing it

tiku!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hah...makanla lagi sume cheese, cakes, mayonnaise, sugars!!
makan! asek nk makan! exercise tanak!
eiii...tiku pemalas.
reading log dah brape lame tak update!
ade esaimen, tp tgk movie.
nk beli tanah tapi asek surf adidas
nk kurus tapi asek nk makan aje.
puase tiku..puase.

ps: aku tanak kawan ngan budak name tiku neh. die dahla pemalas, suke buang mase. g jauh2 sane.

now i do believe in intuition part 2

and so, my father's day card reached him one day before 'that day'. I went back to class and started crying. Few friends were there, and they helped to calm me down. i called tasha, talked to her for a few seconds. i lost my words. i simply didnt know what to do. it's 10 minutes to start class. Kak yuni came and offer me to go back, but i refuse. last year, before aku fly...mmg mak ade ckp pasal neh.
mak: kak dilah, nnt kalau kat sana, ada family yg meninggal...kak nk bt camna?
dilah: hurm...nk bt camna, sabaq la. dok sana, baca quran kat dia.
mak: ha, takpala kalau tau nk bt apa...semua tuh lumrah alam. kita tak tau apa nk jadi.
and i am well aware of this.ada yg meninggal ka, yg beranak ka, yg kawen ka...im staying. but this one, guess what? now theyre buying my ticket to fly back that day. that very day. throughout that state of unconscious, nadhirah was there all the time. she even cried. i dont know where my two other housemates were but im sure theyre shocked too...coz we were laughing like mad that morning. i wanted to tell them that ill be alright but i just forgot. i know they care anyway...maybe they just lost words like i did. so those two other housemates stayed in class. i pray they might be able to learn something that day, rather than thinking about me. i did everything i was told. i was so blur. i really didnt have an idea on what to do. everything was done by nad and kak yuni. they even helped me to pack. everything that was inside my luggage was listed so i when i was able to think again, i would at least have an idea of my belongings. so, there i was, with a handbag, a handluggage, train and flight ticket all in hand, making my journey home, which will never be the same as any other journey. i didnt sleep at all. i recited Yassin only once coz i got my period after that. im glad that i got my period after i finished reciting for him. it was a tearful journey. tears wont stop flowing.
i know my life would never be the same again. i was on my way home to find a house without its charm. i would go back and find his slipper, i would look at his motorcycle that might not be used again. i might find myseld catching a glimpse of him, which will never be there again. though i tried to look for him everywhere. that moment, i just wondered, where is he now? is he right beside me? is he watching me? i am the only one who never get to see him. not anymore. All in all, i dont have anything to regret. i made the effort to call him everyday. thats why i install a phone line in my room, so i get to talk to him everytime i woke up for subuh. the journey to heathrow was like a blink of an eye. i just dont realize how long it had been, now i am heathrow. i dont feel hungry at all. but i know i had to eat. mum wont like to see me battered. so yeah, i took care of myself. i now regain my emotion. i knew what happened. and i know what was going to happen at home. every soul in that house will be in a very shattered condition. and i told myself, " if you want to let yourself out, cry now, but not at home." i am not going to let myself to cry at home. coz i need to be there for them. i need to help them to go through this critical condition. i know they dont have to worry about me cause i am quite confirm that i could get through this. its because i have Him with me...every second and every breath. there i was, in Heathrow, waiting for my flight. i didnt feel tired, i could not recall hunger. al-Fatihah was all in mind now. my mind kept thinking, as i kept checking my watch. "owh, maybe they were reciting the Holy Quran to him now" "its time to bring him to masjid". the most difficult part here, i have to admit is the part where they will bury him. once again, i realized that even if i had wings, i wont make it in time to see him. i wont be able to look at his face again. and that left me in tears, again and again. Dear God, i pray that you set my soul at ease, to accept this. i know that you wont put me in this situation if i cant handle it. That is why it is me, that you chose to not being able to see him for the last time, not my sisters. for that, i am thankful that it is me, who experience this. i am grateful for if it had been my sister, i will want to swap place with them. let me be the one who didnt get the chance to see him for the last time, coz i know i will be fine. Dear God, thank you for letting my other family members, all of them be beside him till his last moment. Thank you, for driving my mind to write about him in my blog, because he is one of my reader. Every once in a while, kakmam will print the blog, and bring it home (i dont have internet access at home). She will read it to him. i didnt write much about mak because i dont feel like it yet. i write more about abah. Few times he asked me to write again, since my writing titled 'Azimat Abah' won third place in Citra Majalah Johor-Melaka in 2004 or 2003 (i cant remember).

to be continued...

set me free~

few days ive been dreaming bout you. isk. bangun pagi rase tak best coz in those dreams, ure running away from me. yeah, its the fact pon. and i accept that long ago. acceptance without digestion leave the fact hanging above my head ; created a shadow that steal away my sunshine. pegi la...leave me. leave me be. i wanna move on but i still cant.

I live here on my knees as I
Try to make you see that you're
Everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I
Can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down

now i do believe in intuition

23th June 2008
i could be sure of my feelings. bercampur baur. when i got back from work, aku tak sabar2 nk smayang. tatawula nape. that day, the pray took me quite a long time coz i pour my heart out to Him. i didnt know what i rambled. finished praying, i didnt feel released. I stretched my hands for the Holy Quran, that blue one that i always love and began reciting it. after a few line, tears started running down my cheeks. How weird, coz i dont know what i was crying for. i continued reciting for a long time coz i could stop. i just could not stop. i went to bed in tears. still, i could not find the reason for my breakdown.
24th June 2008
i woke up feeling worried. i had butterflies in my stomach all the time. i just continue my day as usual. one thing about this morning was i laughed my heart out. me and my housemates were laughing at Nad for an incident that day. i dont normally laughed my heart out like that, i mean i did, but not whole-heartedly because i just didnt feel like it. This day was different though. Something popped out my mind : "eh, Tiku, nape ko gelak happy sangat neh, karang nk nanges kot..." i dont believe when ppl say, lepas gelak, ko akan nanges. then i made my way to the gym for i wanted to register to become member. i almost forgot my handphone but i had the feelings that i need the phone that day. so i went back and took my phone. i had my to do list in my hand because this day would be a busy one for me. i had many things to settle. i went to the gym but i didnt register..or did i? hurm. i forgot. i didnt think i registered. when i walked back to the main reception, there's a message alert. hurm. sape ye.. Bangmet: "dilah, call umah sat. urgent." you see, my brother is a serious type. he would not message me without any reason. the word urgent stopped my heart beat.i hope my family were playing prank on me. i really hope so. then i dialled mak's number.
"awat mak?"
"kak ok ka? kak kat mana neh?"
"ok. kak kat kolej la. awat mak?"
"la neh kak dilah sabaq..."
" awat mak, awat?" i could let her calm me down first, i just wanted to know why. i dont want to listen about any other things.
"abah...abah dah takdak"
"la...kenapa..."
"takpa lah na...kak dilah sabaq, bacakan yassin untuk dia...takyah la balek. byk2 sabaq na..." and she lost in tears. i couldnt hear mak's voice so hang up. i made my way to the class. still, the fact that abah is no longer with me hadn't register in my head. the conversation between mak just now played in my mind over and over again. when i finally get the idea, i utter Innalillah for him. i hadnt had any clue to utter it the moment i hear about this. the last step before i reach INTED, i started to cry, realizing the i could never see this man again. i just realize that even i catch the earliest flight of the day, i wouldnt make it in time just to see his face for the last time. i know i just couldnt. i recalled the last moment i saw him, i recalled the word i spoke to him. No wonder smalam abah tak angkat phone. the last few days pon die jarang angkat phone. die dah tak brape dengar. my Fathers day card reached him

ps: sorry guys, i cannot proceed writing. ill continue when i have the strength to talk about this again.

im back!

i dont have any topic. this will just be a random things stuffed into one post.
1. i miss home
there are new kittens, and the nephews is getting so chatty. i feel like squeezing em all (both the anak kucing, and the nephews). maman's line is playing on and on in my mind.

maman: mama....maman ni remaja (he's 5 yrs)
mama: hah? maman remaja? sape ajar neh?
maman: betol la, maman kan remaja
mama: ha, ok la. mama pon remaje jugak. maman tanak balek umah ibu ke?
maman: taknak la. maman nk dok umah maktok. maman syg maktok ngan mama jugak.
err....uiks. meruntun hati untuk pulang! cepat la nk balek msia.

mama: im, anak kuceng kaler ape?
iim: kaler hitam, putih, hijau
mama: maman, anak kuceng baru kaler ape?
maman: purple.

sungguh colourful kaler anak2 kuceng baru. aku ade anak kuceng baru setelah kuceng2 jantan kat umah bt onar kat kuceng betina yg baru dtg. then mak sembunyi mak kuceng and anak2 kuceng dlm kotak, letak kat blakang sliding door. lantas, sume orang lupe pasal anak kceng tuh. once derang teringat, anak2 kuceng tuh dah agak besar and gemok! omg. sape tanak pegang anak kuceng gemok. kakmam was so excited to tell me about anak kuceng yg segak. alah. imagine je la, sume anak kceng pon comel, bile ditambah dengan ke'segak'an... isk. i cant imagine betapa kiutnyer anak kuceng! grrr.....nk anak kceng!

2. esaimen
in queue:
~LAC (tiku, zu lee, mira)
presentation
group written
~TSLD 10 (group: to be decided)
presentation
written
~TEYL (tiku, z, mira)
presentation
written? isk...ade written ke tak eh. erm...nnt check.

academic wise, i think banyak mende nk bt. but i take mom's advice...buat slow2..take one thing at a time and youll get thru. oh, mak...i am amazed by you. thats why youre 'mak'.

3. financial
i think ive been spending a lot. bulan neh and bulan lepas nyer phone bill ade la exceed 10 pound from usual. (i allocate 50 pound only for me phone bills everymonth...for 3 phone). everything pon exceed. TIKU! SUDAH2 LA...

ps: to izzati, jgn sedey2. im here for you. take care. love you dear. da~

ok. thats all. gtg. tata~

malas

dear blog,

i am sorry, i dont have time for you.
it is like, malas la nk tules.
sume owang pon berblog,
so, there's nothing special anymore.
i am really sorry to hurt you, blog.
sometimes,
the thought is more complex,
and it is very hard to write it down,
precise-interestingly.
coz its not.
so, i am paying more attention to
my blog kat theredzone,
where i have specific topic to talk about:
the band. hey, but i wont stop.
just hybernating.
it's getting cold anyway.
i am too lazy now.

chiows!

it's not bad after all

sigh~.

1. phone tinggal dlm cab
i left it mase pegi peity. tak perasan. gelak2...trus kuar. so not me, sbab the most important thing once you're walking out of a cab, is to look back. i never forget to do that. but that day, i did. well, the phone is at the police station now, so i can go this afternoon and pick it up. alhamdulillah.

2. pening nk pk psal gigi
aku takut dentist. and i asked for sedation. and it will cost me like 500 to 600 pound! no way. ill go for local anaesthetic anyway. the treatment without the sedation will only cost me 44.60. jauh beza. dah. takyah nk buang duet. kate nk bawak mak dtg sini. dah besar kan, dah 21 pon. siap keje nk cr duet lagi. i know how hard it is, keje nk cr duet. pegi keje dlm ujan, ribut. basah kuyup. flu pon kene g keje jugak. so i am careful with my money now. takkan la selamenyer nk boros menggila. klu kakmam, mesti die tak pegi yg sedation tu jugak.

i talked to fran on friday...
tiku: fran...i need to get my toothe removed. i opt for root canal treatment.
fran: owh, that fine. its nothing at all. better than filling. and the best thing is you will still have your tooth.
tiku: argh. but i am afraid of the dentist.
fran: nah, its nothing. you wont feel anything. you will get numb, wont you. cmon tiku, you're all keyed up. when you got back, you will thing" how foolish i am for being afraid. i dont know what i am afraid of actually".

sorry for people who are getting sick of listening to me whining about the dentist. i think it has to stop since i dont care anymore. i will just wait for my mouth ulcer to heal, and then i will go for that root canal. nk saket ke nak baek?

so, i think nothing to worry about now. ramadhan dah nk abes pon. jom, ramai meriahkan 10 mlm terakhir neh.

Athansios Chatziagyriou

awatif: woi, saket gigi tuh mampu membuatkan aku saket kepala selama seminggu tau!!

adilah: patut la ank saket kpala smpy tak p keja.

awatif: siyes saket. smpy aku nk bt smayang hajat la, mintak Allah sembuhkan saket gigi, tanpa
perlu ke dentist.

adilah: ade ke cenggitu...??

tiku: die mmg bengong

awatif: isk...dok berdenyut2...mak kata takdak owang mati g dentist

adilah: yelah, mmg takde pon. g la arineh. kan ade slot free for you owang tuh ckp tadi.

awatif: tapi aku ada mouth ulcer la. saket nnt.

adilah: alah, dulu dr wan harzita pon tgk gg ank masa ank ada mouth ulcer, but then die letak
ubat kan kat situ...

tiku: alasan tanak g dentist tuh...

awatif: isk...kb pon gelakkan aku pagi tadi. hehe. malu weyh. nape la owang yg takut dentist yg
suke makan manis.
aku yg takut dentist=aku suke makan manis=aku kene jumpe dentist yang aku takut tuh.

adilah: takut..takutla. abes klu saket...camna? kan mak kata skali p, hilang masalah.

awatif: aku nk bt flapjack lagi, nk p keja lagi...satgi kalo tak sempat camna?

tiku: tgk! tengok tuh...ALASAN!

adilah: abes, dah klu takut tak sempat, yg dok mengadap komputer lagi btpa?

awatif: aku nk menenangkan diri aku....takut tau ngak. korang, smayang hajat kat aku. baca
yasin suma. mak pon kata nnt tepon dia bila nk p dentist. dia baca doa.doa mak mujarab tau.

tiku: isk. dia dok membebel tak abeh2..
.
adilah: cik awatif, g la mandi sume2...buat flapjack. lepas zuhur, siap g dentist sume. saket itu
kifarah dosa. weekend neh, kan ank dah bleh relax. lagipon, dah nk start kelas. dah nk
smpy 10 mlm last ramadhan. klu saket, camne????

here's one thing:

I went to the dentist again. Once more, a thoroughly unpleasant experience, but I did certainly feel better afterwards. I think that going to the dentist is one of those experiences where the anticipation and dread is actually much worse than the event itself. Asking your boss for a raise, or telling him/her that you cannot finish something on time probably rank in the same category, as does asking a girl out for a date for the first time. They all produce that familiar queasiness in the stomach, and the occasional cold sweat. But, once the deed is done, you wonder what you worried so much about.

regard to:Gary's boring blog,Saitama, Japan.

ps: kat atas tuh name dentist aku kat sini...aku pon tatawu nk sebut.

johnny: what i am going to say now...may not be helping you. if you cant be lovers, be friends. thats not a bad thing.

seung-mi: i dont feel consoled.

johnny: you're right. its heart-breaking. when you cannot have someone, it's very painful. even though its painful and you dont want to see that person anymore. in the end, if you lose a valuable friend, thats even more painful.

...it is...

not feeling well

i was out with Nad yesterday. i realized that i am not feeling very well lately. hurm. here are the symptoms:

1. difficulty to spell...
eg: symtom? bussiness?

2. everytime jln masuk boots, mesti ttbe ade je mende nk kene beli
eg: mouthwash, handwash

3. suddenly everything in sports world mcm tak penah tgk...
(padahal masuk sportsworld everytime turun town)

4. bile tgk cite korea, saket kpale hilang. bile nk g keje, ttbe rase nk demam.

5. tak boleh nk decide nk makan ape.
(selame neh pon bukan aku yg bagi cadangan kan...isk. pelikla tiku!)

6. plan nk beli baju kaler merah or purple, tapi tangan ttp membeli baju kaler biru.
(mungkin aku color-blind)

7. gelabah bile matahari dah nk naek
(sebab aku belom tido lagi)

8. mule menulis post yg tak tentu arah motifnya.

Tagged....by putput

1.Are you fasting right now?
i am. belom ponteng lagi.

2. What would you like to have for buka?
couscous. all time favourite

3. Describe Malaysia's politics(currently) in one word
hay-wired

4.What u like ur boyfriend to call u the most?
love

5) What are the five things that would absolutely make u happy?
- maen kuceng
- bersukan(anything will do) smpy peluh menggila
- Adidas...even only a socks
- sit in bed, reading books
- lepak ngan mak..mak mmg cool

6) Who tagged you?
Puteri Syurga A. Malik

7) Describe the person who tagged you
Prof Maths

ape aku nk bt kalu aku pregnant?

whoa...pregnant best sbab aku ade sebab nk makan tak stop.

1. aku akan makan choc tak ingat dunie...
(pastuh aku jadi ibu mude diabetes?)

2. aku mmg nk mlantak french fries alla time
(ibu mude yg saket jantung?)

3. aku nk tido banyak2...
(ko nk jadi ibu mude yg bermate sembab ke tiku?)

4. aku nak................

isk...aku bukan pregnant pon.

rock kapak

sape ingat shamrin?? ha, angkat tangan cepat!lately neh asek layan rock kapak. ntah la nape. mule2 dengar rock kapak rase...rase ROCK ah. but then , after a while, rase syahdu...nape ek?

i think i started to involve in rock kapak mase kat umah maktok,ade hi fi besar kat umah maktok. kat bawah ade satu radio sony yg time dulu tuh, kire mahal ah. kat dlm bilek pak chaq pon ada satu hi fi besaq. wah, i think he saved menggila nk beli mende tuh. sony plak tuh. time dulu mmg la mahal kan. so whats up with umah mak tok and lagu sharim? ceh, cam takde link.

i was sent to umah maktok, umah pengasuh ah neh. maktok ade la talian darah ngan aku. aku suke and tak suke dok umah maktok. suke sebab maktok time makan mmg di suap. sebab tuh aku bulat. siyes. aku sangat bulat time tih. tapi part tak best bile maktok slalu kurung aku dlm umah. once mak dtg amek aku je, aku akan kayuh basikal laju2. ala2 nk melarikan diri dr maktok. part best lagi satu is maktok suke memasak. klu karipap, nnt mesti ade karipap special utk aku. 'karipap takde inti'. klu time maktok memasak, aku mesti ditugaskan cabut rambut2 kat buah kelapa. alah, kan kelape bile dah dibuang sabut, kan botak. tapi ade lagi sket rabut2 halus. so, aku kene cabut sampai licin. sbnanyer aku rase maktok bt camneh supaye aku stay kat dapur, depan mate die. senang la die nk tengok aku, sambil memasak.

aku paling lega bile arwah tok ayah balek. mesti best. ade sekali die kasik aku try isap rokok dunhil. tak best. skl jugak yg best. nnt klu tok ayah balek, rase selamat dr kegarangan mak tok. aku suke dok ngan tok ayah.

after a few years,once aku dah start skola, aku slalu dtg sane, but not on daily basis. g umah mak tok, mesti rase special. yelah, sbab aku penah dok situ. rase cam balek umah sendri.

(tiku, owang nk tau nape rock kapak ngan umah maktok ade link!!!)

ok2...kat umah maktok, pak chaq slalu la pasang radio. secare tak lgsg, telinge aku dah biase dengar lagu2 neh. tambah plak bile balek umah, kak melia pon ala2 zaman dengar rock kapak. kakmelia mmg merapu, dah la suke bace buku mangga. isk. balek ke pakchaq yg slalu bawak balek barbie utk aku, dr situ lah bermula nya penglibatan aku dlm arena rock kapak. so, now bile teringat rock kapak, rase teringat umah maktok.

(abes, nape syahdu plak?)

syahdu sebab...

1. mase tok ayah meninggal, aku tak sempat balek sebab aku off phone sbab arituh aku emo. klu aku on phone, aku mesti sempat balek. sampai now, fon aku slalu ade kat tangan, makesure bateri ok, ade space utk msg masuk. tak kire la ape berita pon, yg pentng aku tawu on the dot. i cannot reverse this, and i hate myself for being emo at that time. until now, bile aku nk start emo (aku mmg owang yg emo), aku try buat2 bodoh. klu tak ley pon, aku try tanak layan.

2. aku dah taktawu mak tok kat mane. ade family crisis, and maktok dah tak brape nk ingat sangat. the last time jumpe, die pon dah ckp merepek2. dengar cite die kat umah sedare die...tapi aku tatawu kat mane. aku mmg nk g jumpe maktok. family crisis tak family crisis. yg penting, aku mmg sayang die.

3. ape la pak chaq buat skang neh. family crisis pon crisis lah. aku tanak end the bond.

conclusion: aku nk tawu mane kubur arwah tok ayah, aku nk tawu mane maktok ang pakchaq. i wanna keep in touch balek. tak kisah la ape pon, yg penting, aku ade memori ngan derang neh. al-fatihah untuk arwah tok ayah. dilah mintak maaf, tak balek mase tok ayah meninggal. it is my fault. and i regret it until now.

how do i put this into words?

SCREAM! i hate to put this into words, because i wont be able to. hate the way you think you know me, hate the way you think you know every woman you've met. but you dont. dont judge my emotion, coz you do not know how to read it. gosh. i should stop before i break your heart. please forgive me. forgive me. forgive.

Happy Birthday, my guardian angel

31 august
the malaysians will be busy celebrating the independence day. i am busy remembering my sister's birthday. hehe. so, this is the first time i am away from her. away as in...so far away. i called her last night, but she is pening. i talked to mak only. (haiya, ape kes time besday tido awal kan..if that is my birthday, i will wait for others to wish me..haha).

so, this is the story about my guardian angel.

born on the 31st august 1985, i like the way our birthday is just a twist of number. i was born on 13th of aug, and she is 31st of aug. yeah, forget about the date. i remember she said to me once, "one reason for us to be born on these date is so that you will be older than me,". fine2.. i dont mind being older in date-wise, not in reality. haha. this girl is naturally good with kids and elderly. i just cant understand why kids love her. i mean, i love kids too, but they dont like me. isk. pathetic. when she is having a conversation with the veterans, one can tell that the older people love her. tak caye tanye tok. kakmam memang geng ngan 'tok and the gang'. she had problems with self-esteem before, but she work that out and her spirit prevails. i think she does not realize how much power she has, making her eligible for 'super-woman' title. hurm. maybe not physically. emotionally, she is strong. very strong. i wonder how she can read those thick books in the midst of my nephew. hurm. she got a first class on her project. she got A in bahasa Arab, the one she always get lower than B. i wonder how she did that.

it is such a pity that she has me as her little sister. i am always in a mess. always in unstable state of emotion. i think i will continue to be a pain in the ass for her. it is your luck, to have me. it is unfortunate, because you cannot alter that fact.

from my side of story, if i could ever change my happiness with her sorrow, i would. if i could trade in my laughter with her tears, i am more than willing to do so. she is the kind of person that will put her needs behind, and prioritize mine. i could see this, even when she was just a child. when mak gave birth to Saddam..she will bought me something from school. everyday. she was just in lower primary. if i was in her place, i do not think i would do that.

if there is one thing i wanna tell her, it is this: "you never know how much you have inspired me with your spirit. you will never have an idea on how well you know me, and how easy it is for you to interpret me. even i cannot understand myself. you always have a way to straighten up my path when i am a mess. it is you who never fails to bring me up, at my lowest point in life. maybe i never say anything like this, but deep down inside, you are the air that i breathe."

happy birthday, dear Guardian Angel.

dedicated to:
Aziatul Akmam Atan @ Abdullah.

maman and mama

mama: hello, kakmam ada?
mak: kakmam demam, neh maman bangun.
maman: hello...mama (suare ngantok)
mama: eh eh...abg maman nape bangun tido neh...?
maman: maman nk ckp ngan mama la..
mama: owh, ye ke. sorry, mama call mlm2. sian abg maman nk g skola besok. arituh g umah ayah tolong ayah tak?
maman: tolong.
mama: abg maman tolong buat ape?
maman: abg maman tolong....erm...tolong....tolong buat tak tahu.
mama: hah? tolong buat tak tahu?!!

aku tanak GEMOK!!!

i miss ...

...jogging kat um ngan bebudak pismp tuh, though kene tipu.
...prektis kagum sampai baju ber'garam'
...prektis band, and kene denda plus pumping...i want my muscular arms back!!
...peluh
...bersukan

tapi sume salah aku la. makan chocolate tak ingat dunia. sape yg jahat sangat cipta chocolate neh??nape la aku jadik a sweet-tooth person. isk. nape ade cream tea.

used to

...be skinny
...be solid
...argh..everything pon dulu

however
since i believe that i am a determined person (suke ati aku la nk kate aku neh hape), i will work on it. i believe in the power of mind, as long as i believe i can, i will make it.

fine2...tagged pon tagged lah..

5 things you dont know about me,

1. tiku malas nk layan mende2 tagged neh, and buletin2 kat fster. but since this is from my high school friend..(aku syg gle kawan2 stf aku), so tiku pon layan la...
psst: budak kecik, aleisa, jgn marah ah...

2. tidak mampu bercinta at the moment. kenape? aku pon tatawu nk jawab.

3. terlalu particular, and an overthinker. i want every single thing in order, (which is not possible). lets say, i sleep at 12, and wakes up at 8...i want to follow the time strictly. no excuse. thats is. sinki and toilet rim must be dry all the time, lantai shower kene kering all the time. everytime mandi, bathroom mat must be a dry one. isk. nak list kang tak abes.
tapi since takde ubat utk penyakit neh, ubatnyer ialah 'sendri mau ingat la'.

4. kaki bergayut. i think this is called addiction. i suke sgt bergayut ngan owang kat msia smpy bill boleh sampai beratus2 pound. but now da tak. saye dah bertaubat.

5. adidas or mng? definitely adidas.

birthday wishes

ironically, this is not a birthday wish for me, but dedicated to the people who made me the person i am...

To Mak,
i thank you ever so much for the pain youve been going through giving birth to me, bringing me up, and stand my turbulance. i adore every quality in you, which amazes me every second i think about you. you're a great role model. you're the greates mum, and yet youre a cool friend. how i wish i could spend birthday with you, but never mind. i am here for you anyway.

To Arwah Abah,
lately i realise that i possess your quality. things i have done in these past few days made me think of you, because that is just the thing that you would do. and that made me happy, coz i know you live inside me. i pray for you in every Du'a. i thank God for giving me you, to give me chance to spend 20 years in your love. i thank Him for giving me enough time to express my love to you. :)

to Kakmam and Kakmelia,
though you always consider me as kakak (to make me look older, but you ARE OLDER than me anyway), i am still in need of your guidance. i like the way we merepek, and the way you listen to me,(and then make fool of me). Kakmam, you set the path of following your own dreams. of never be afraid to study such a THICK book. youve made it now. Kakmelia, the one yg kuat merapu, you bring colours (coz u talk nonsense...haha). you bring 2 rascals into our life. two rascals that brighten up our days, and sometimes drive us up the wall.

to Bangmet and Saddam,
the two men in the house. it is you that we hold on to after abah. Bangmet, i am still amaze of the way you handle money. and i still wonder, would i be able to do that. Saddam, you proved that you are no joke. remember arwah abah's expression when you handed him your result?

to Maman, and Imran
iim, sorry i didnt send you cards (yours will be in Nov). though you dont know how to read yet, but you will read this someday. i apologize for scolding you and stuff (but sometimes you drive me mad..)how dull my day would be without the two of you. maman, next two years, we will be celebrating our birthdays together, and i will organize it for us. ive done that before, trust me. go on and ask maktok. and for iim, ill send you another cards next. (and no, you dont have to change your name to 'Aiman', to own maman's card. ill send one, with your name in front of it.

to friends, (and foe?), nah, kidding...
i apologize for my wrongdoings. i apoligize for every single thing, even the slightest mistake. i cannot turn back the time, and as human, i make lots of mistakes. countless of em. and i am glad to have you, or else i wont be the person i am now.

to housemates (Hana, Nad, Zati)...
gosh! how cudnt i sense the pre-birthday party? how can i not know that IT IS MY SWEATER. it is lovely, and i cant take it off. thanks, for being there. esp thru my hard times. mean it.
LOVE YOU LOTS!!!!!

to KAMI
hurm..we're worlds apart now. but i didnt say my slogan this time. u said that for me.thanks. i dont have the words to desribe how i miss the three of you. kalau la ade pintu doraemon...

to my CATS...
how can i live without cats? i wont be me!! beetho..balek umah, wish mama!!!

lots of love,
awatif adilah atan

banyak sbnanyer nk tules

tapi tiku malas. nk tules pasal....everytin. tapi tiku malas. that is. da~

whatever!

i dont wanna talk to anyone. i dont wanna meet anyone. leave me alone. (seb baek aku takleh swear!)

new page! yeay!!!

tiku bute it? hehehehe...bute ke...rabun je kot. i said i want to re-design my blog coz i am sick of the-plain-blue-blog-layout. so this is just trial (or not). sadly, i am not in the mood to write anything now. i am all about money now...HAHAHAH (devilish laugh). what is in m mind now? i nak upload all my fav songs in my imeem and spend hours listening to em. coz every now and then, a song pop up and i was like 'yeah, that was something that i listened to few years back'. music-wise, i am into anything jazzy like buble..(love him!), salsa..marc anthony eh? not forgetting pramlee. omg. he's damn great. like to laugh my heart out tgk pramlee kat youtube ngan mira. and then we like to practice it. haha. hurm. takde mende nk tules la. siyes blank. ok..nntla ek. da~

aku camne plak?

just called home, and found out kakmam got 1st class degree for her amende ntah. and now die tgh br second degree. bangmet dah brape sem dpt dean list..mak plak tgh amek ptk. dilah? uhu...dilah cume seorang budak yg suke off task dlm klas, takleh dok diam. dilah is the person who have problem to focus. klu kelas 2 jam, ill be fidgeting in my chair. jap2 g kuar jln2 kat koridor. haiya. risau. camne nk amek phd, klu time degree pon dah camne. haiya. hurm..so, i have to work this out kalu saye btol2 nk phd. nk phd, i need to serious amek degree, btolkan mane yg patut selagi sempat. plan: betulkan study skills (mira, u know wut i mean), grammar...i mean it. have to be serious about this, coz i wont have kengkawan nk checkkan my grammar for all my life. academic writing is the most problematic part, but i wont give up. lesley and student support centre can help me with this, not forgetting kengkawn marjon aku...haha. so, lets get started. tiku, focus!
reminder:
1. kene jage kesihatan btol - minum air kosong bebanyak, tak mau la dehydrated..susah nnt.
- tido kene cukup and on time, so your body know what to expect at certain time.
2. main purpose dtg uk - BELAJAR.

my favourite chapter in life

i told you that ure my favourite chapter in life. as i flip through the pages, i found that meeting you gives me the most colourful page.you give me rainbow, as well as storm! haha. thanks for that. glad for heart to heart session that manage to entangle all my questions. there are not many, but they are killing. heh. i cant tell whether we wil meet again, because at times i feel if we just keep each other as history, and not meeting each other anymore will make it easier.,well, at least for me. honestly, i am not ready to meet u again. afraid that i might fall for you. not again. sorry i just dont know how to give up on you. yeah, now youre my favourite chapter, still. the chapter that i remember the most, but i dont mean to re-live it again.

hari neh gloomy,tapi aku tak.. heh.

ok, first thing first. i feel like dancing listening to Afgan's Betapa Aku Cinta Padamu. hehe. rase melayang2. ok. next, i wont say i am happy today. but i feel better la. da few days aku merempat bilik mira (sory bilek, aku ttp sayang bilik aku)..insyaAllah aku balek la bilek aku nnt. the reason i feel better today:

1. flu da maken pulih...
mane tak pulih nyer, aku tido 12 jam sehari. bangun utk makan, answer nature's call, solat, makan ubat. itu aje la. ubat yg gle tak sedap tuh aku makan on time. hehe. pastuh aku asek minum ae suam smpy aku tak larat dah nk g toilet.
2. dah mule buat esaimen...
bapak blur ah balek plymouth. owang laen dah nk siap, aku still pening2 lalat. lalat pon tak pening cam aku. heh. so, as i promise to Hana, smlm aku da siapkan at least 30 words. haha. hari neh aku da bt intro and outline (hampir2la).
3. nk kuar g town, nk cr keje...
nape aku nk keje lagi? im broke! d'oh!. ok, i noe ade yg nk bagi opinion and blablabla...but, dont say it! i will go to town and apply. haha. (its too late klu korang nk ckp pape). pendek kate, pdan muke aku yg sangat boros. kan dah broke. lagi satu, aku da tak gune greendog kat bilek. and aku dah jrg bergayut fon. cume call umah aje. yg bergayut cam nak gile dulu tuh dah tak pakai...
4. lagu afgan ni lah...
tak caye cube korang dengar...isk. aku ulang dr tadi. sweet!!!!!! argh! sweet gile.
5. isk...ade lagi ke reason? dah la. nk smbung bt esaimen. aku kene anta next week. pulak tuh, next week aku da start keje, klas...sume2 lah.

assalamualaikum, and good day!
muah!!

minta maaf semua...

assalamualaikum, and greetings to everyone.
first and foremost, i should state here that i am currently emotionally challenged. so, i hope you bare with me. i have no reason, meaning i dont have any specific topic to write about today, just wanting to let you know that i am having a hard time here, and saye mntak maaf awal2 for perangai yg tak menentu. my beloved abah passed away on 24th june. i keep telling myself that i have nothing to regret (refer to the previous post), but i miss him terribly. i know the same goes to each my family member, but the fact that i dont get to see him is killing me. (ya Allah, tabahkan hati ini menempuh dugaan yg maha hebat ini). i got back in plymouth last sunday. i am having problem sleeping at night (plus jet lag) sbab i am so takut everytime i terjage. the first night, i went to bed around 12 sumtin, and i terjage around 4. homesick sangat, sebab i am used to having my family around thru this hard time, but tibe2 bukak mate, dah ade kat uk. its worst than homesick mase kat stf. and i cried everytime i terjage. cried too much that i dont feel quite well now. i called home, everyday. i talked with mum. i am currently staying at mira's (sorry mira, thanks so much for letting me tompang). i noe i cannot continue calling home everyday (nnt mampos nk kene byr bil), and i cannot forever stay in mira's. i am praying that Allah akan ease my burden, and at the same time, i need to help myself as well. to friends, thanks so much. i dnt know how to repay your kindness.
to mak and family,
i hate to admit that i feel so difficult being in this situation now, but i know that Allah tak menguji hambaNya, melainkan dengan ujian yg mampu dipikul hambaNya itu. doakan saya tabah... :) saye mendoakan kesejahteraan semua orang. semoga arwah abah ditempat bersama para solihin.
to friends,
thanks again. so much.
to awatif,
.............. be strong.

ps: isk, aku nk reinvent blog neh la. aku bosan tgk blog sendri. urgh!

rindu di mana-mana

i am currently in IPBA, but i am going back to Penang at 3pm today. i am content here, to be with my friends again, but bile derang g klas..i feel alone. its like back in uk, where i am going to be alone in my room. (my housemates mmg la ade..). its nearly 3 weeks since i balek msia, i almost forgot that i have to face my normal life kat uk nnt. ntahlah,mcm ade something missing. and i think my spirit dah tak sekuat dulu. if thats the case, i hope it is not permanent. yeah, talking bout the title of the post..even i skang neh kat ipba pon, and bebudak neh depan mate, i miss em already. mlm kang i sampai umah, and i get to see my family pon, i miss them more than ever. i miss bebudak nakal kat uk tuh jgak. i think maybe balek uk weekend neh, i will have to start from scratch. everything needs to be restructured. hurm..people reading this, hope u know that i dont live in denial, its just that sometimes i rase nak tell something to arwah abah. so i write it down. he's been my pembace blog yg paling setia. here it is...
dear abah,
i am sorry i didnt cuci umah, like we always do. but i did pegi kuar ngan bangmet g beli barang2 nk cuci umah. i just mop je lantai dapur and porch. toilet pon tak sental abes2 mcm dulu. mule mmg ingat nk cuci umah, tapi bile abah takde..mcm hilang feel. arituh mase kuar ngan kakmam g sunway carnival, i am so afraid to look around. i am afraid that i might catch a glimpse of you. we did walk into parkson, lalu kat renoma, ur fav place. i feel like crying at that time, but i tahan. buat2 bodoh..haha. ntahlah abah, sometimes i hope this is only a dream. i hope someday i wil wake up from a long sleep and find everything back to what it used to be.
takpelah. we have nothing to regret. coz u get to be with ur loved ones sampai ur last moment. sume owang iring abah smpy kubur. its just me yg takde. nk bt camne, anak yg satu neh jauh. tapi saye redha. because i get to tell u how much u mean to me, i get the chance to say that i love u many times. and i am glad that my fathers day card reach you, one day before you go. saye tak terkilan abah takde tinggal pesan for me, coz i believe you have faith in me. and you know i can go through this hard times. anak abah neh dah besar.. :)

ps: love you!

down memory lane

assalamualaikum, and hi everyone.
if you think this post will be about my late father, you're wrong. i am not ready to write about him. nope. not yet.
just now i went to my primary school, nk register maman. haih..cepat mase berlalu. dah nak daftar anak sdare sendri plak. the school's physical outlook is of course different. there is new building, new paint, new workers. however, there is one thing that will not change, the atmosphere and the feeling that i get when i stroll along the corridors. the smell is still the same, i would say. its like, i can still see cikgu2, and my friends there. i can see me playing handball kat tepi umah cikgu azmar. i miss the canteen. look, i know i failed to deliver the feeling successfully here, mainly because i am rushing. so, lets take this as my first draft, alright?
during these three weeks, i met few of my childhood friends. hanis, farid, farah, elmilia. i hope to upload their pictures. insyaAllah, i will. mase darjah satu dulu, i was in the same class with farid, from 1K to 3K. then, we lost contact until this year. so, meeting him was like a memorable reunion for me (i dont know about him) because it has been 9 years since we last met. ill talk about him more in my next post, i hope.
hanis is my click, together with farah, elmilia and lydia. (im going to ketuk pintu umah lydia after this). ntah, sronok ngan derang. and i love em anyway. every year, i will pegi beraye umah hanis. so, at least i will meet her sekali setahun. hehe. tak sangke, kitorang dah besar. haha. dulu g umah hanis after balek skola agame (we call it 'sekola arab'), tgk cita matrix. hanis always have a thing for pretty boys. she love justin timberlake. haha. im glad that ktrg tak lost contact. i sent her a postcard once few months ago. hehe. and i called her bebile free. she wil be back in her college kat balek pulau this 14th.
now, farah. everytime i kayuh basikal masuk kampung, i will singgah umah farah. i live in taman perumahan called Taman Fahim, and farah is in Kampung Permatang Bertam. farah nyer umah lagi dekat ngan skola. and dulu, farid dok kat blakang umah farah. ktrg slalu ejek farid and farah., coz their names are likely the same. (just say yes la..haish).
rase nak balek jadi budak2..when the future seems so bright and clear for me. i always know what i wanted to do. i wanna be the kid version of awatif who read everything readable, including calendar and menu. i wanna me the younger version of me, who panjat bumbung, who aktif menggila. cant sit still. i miss my childhood.
care to share bout your childhood memories?

ps: this is not complete. gtg.

quaywest

assalamualaikum, hello everyone!. i dont have a specific topic to talk about today, so i will just talk about anything.
first and foremost, beras kat umah da maken sket..and we're not going to buy anymore. sbab kami sume dah mule mencatu makanan, sbab next week da nk g holiday for about two weeks..?kot. but, yeah, thats why da tak beli stock makanan da. cume bertahan dgn biskut, cereal and apples.
next, smlm g quaywest. theme park kat paignton. masuk 10 pound something tp student price, dapat la 4 sumtin. kecik je theme parknyer..cume penat menggelongsor naek mat and tube. ehehe...paling takot naeh slide yg almost 90 degrees tuh. mak aih...takot gile dowh. tapi nk jugak buat at least skali. tiku gayat. so, dpt buat skali pon cukup. uhuhuhu...g tepi pantai, tk anjing maen tangkap2 bola. cute. makan aiskrim, tumpah. cantek pantai die. i found out that seaweed kalu kering mcm plastic. i wonder why. in m pov, kalu die tak mcm plastic, nnt koyakla die kalu owang pijak. subhanallah. hurm, the most important part is naek train balek. ha..mase balek, kat newton abbot, ktrg naek la train ke penzeance (sampai plymouth dulu, br penzeance). skali tgk kat board, die tules train plymouth sampai japg. tiku, hana, fayadh, asno pon lompat turun...tapi mira, zati and nad dah terlock dlm train. sian derang. but pakcik guard tuh ckp dierang akan smpy plymouth jgak. yelah, mmg derang sampai, tapi tiket ade ngan tiku. hurm.. then 4 of us pon naek train yg g str8 to plymouth. makcik tiket pon dtg la check ticket. sekali...rupenyer my purse ade ngan zati. hah. sudah.
"i lost my purse"(buat muke kesian)
"you gotta buy a new one"
isk..seb baek ade duet sket dlm pocket. hana plak tak bwak duet..hahaha.. takpe. tiku byr sbab ade duet lebey. at first i feel terrible, sbab dah cause sume owang in trouble, but then if these things didnt happen, we never learn. hehe. balek umah, penat. lepas mgrib tros tido.
today, bangun dkat kul 11, janji ngan mira nk lepak libry tapi nmpak gaye tak jadi...sbab penat sangat. and its my laundry day. jap g nk g keje plak.

tenanglah hati...

T: ouch, that hurts!
A: whats up?
T: nah, i was just wondering, why do i experienced love..but i cant have it. its like He let me see the beauty of it, but i cant touch it..
A:are you in love?
T: i was, to be definite.
A: do you regret it?
T: i do sometimes. i was head over heels about this person, few years ago. and i found it hard to get out of that person's shadow. i didnt see a way out.
A: is that your first love?
T: i dont know how to describe it. maybe yes. i guess i am lucky to have very supporting friends to help me get thru that. i was in denial. i cant accpet the fact. then, i met this person, more than a year ago. i love him, i truly love him. but i cant be with him. the last thing i wanna do is to hurt other's feeling. the question is, why do i get the chance to get to know him, quite well i would say, but He take him far from me.
A: i understand how you feels (i am you, remember?). yes, it hurts dear. well, i hope you notice that everytime He breaks your heart, you will feel His love. everytime youre sad, it is Him that you finally turn to. He let you taste love, and take it away from you, to bring you closer to Him.
T: but it's painful!!
A: its not that He doesnt know how heartbroken you are, He make you go through this because He knows you are able to survive it.
T: ='(
A: put a smile on your face, my love. He doesnt promise sunshine everyday. however, you will see rainbow after rain, aite?
T: thanks.

T walks away, thinking about Love. She will not give up, but it is His love that she is after. amin.