now i do believe in intuition part 2

and so, my father's day card reached him one day before 'that day'. I went back to class and started crying. Few friends were there, and they helped to calm me down. i called tasha, talked to her for a few seconds. i lost my words. i simply didnt know what to do. it's 10 minutes to start class. Kak yuni came and offer me to go back, but i refuse. last year, before aku fly...mmg mak ade ckp pasal neh.
mak: kak dilah, nnt kalau kat sana, ada family yg meninggal...kak nk bt camna?
dilah: hurm...nk bt camna, sabaq la. dok sana, baca quran kat dia.
mak: ha, takpala kalau tau nk bt apa...semua tuh lumrah alam. kita tak tau apa nk jadi.
and i am well aware of this.ada yg meninggal ka, yg beranak ka, yg kawen ka...im staying. but this one, guess what? now theyre buying my ticket to fly back that day. that very day. throughout that state of unconscious, nadhirah was there all the time. she even cried. i dont know where my two other housemates were but im sure theyre shocked too...coz we were laughing like mad that morning. i wanted to tell them that ill be alright but i just forgot. i know they care anyway...maybe they just lost words like i did. so those two other housemates stayed in class. i pray they might be able to learn something that day, rather than thinking about me. i did everything i was told. i was so blur. i really didnt have an idea on what to do. everything was done by nad and kak yuni. they even helped me to pack. everything that was inside my luggage was listed so i when i was able to think again, i would at least have an idea of my belongings. so, there i was, with a handbag, a handluggage, train and flight ticket all in hand, making my journey home, which will never be the same as any other journey. i didnt sleep at all. i recited Yassin only once coz i got my period after that. im glad that i got my period after i finished reciting for him. it was a tearful journey. tears wont stop flowing.
i know my life would never be the same again. i was on my way home to find a house without its charm. i would go back and find his slipper, i would look at his motorcycle that might not be used again. i might find myseld catching a glimpse of him, which will never be there again. though i tried to look for him everywhere. that moment, i just wondered, where is he now? is he right beside me? is he watching me? i am the only one who never get to see him. not anymore. All in all, i dont have anything to regret. i made the effort to call him everyday. thats why i install a phone line in my room, so i get to talk to him everytime i woke up for subuh. the journey to heathrow was like a blink of an eye. i just dont realize how long it had been, now i am heathrow. i dont feel hungry at all. but i know i had to eat. mum wont like to see me battered. so yeah, i took care of myself. i now regain my emotion. i knew what happened. and i know what was going to happen at home. every soul in that house will be in a very shattered condition. and i told myself, " if you want to let yourself out, cry now, but not at home." i am not going to let myself to cry at home. coz i need to be there for them. i need to help them to go through this critical condition. i know they dont have to worry about me cause i am quite confirm that i could get through this. its because i have Him with me...every second and every breath. there i was, in Heathrow, waiting for my flight. i didnt feel tired, i could not recall hunger. al-Fatihah was all in mind now. my mind kept thinking, as i kept checking my watch. "owh, maybe they were reciting the Holy Quran to him now" "its time to bring him to masjid". the most difficult part here, i have to admit is the part where they will bury him. once again, i realized that even if i had wings, i wont make it in time to see him. i wont be able to look at his face again. and that left me in tears, again and again. Dear God, i pray that you set my soul at ease, to accept this. i know that you wont put me in this situation if i cant handle it. That is why it is me, that you chose to not being able to see him for the last time, not my sisters. for that, i am thankful that it is me, who experience this. i am grateful for if it had been my sister, i will want to swap place with them. let me be the one who didnt get the chance to see him for the last time, coz i know i will be fine. Dear God, thank you for letting my other family members, all of them be beside him till his last moment. Thank you, for driving my mind to write about him in my blog, because he is one of my reader. Every once in a while, kakmam will print the blog, and bring it home (i dont have internet access at home). She will read it to him. i didnt write much about mak because i dont feel like it yet. i write more about abah. Few times he asked me to write again, since my writing titled 'Azimat Abah' won third place in Citra Majalah Johor-Melaka in 2004 or 2003 (i cant remember).

to be continued...