Thursday, 30 October 2008

isk! time neh la nk tules blog!

isk. terase nk menules plak time genting nk bt esaimen. utk puaskan hati, kite write the point je.

1. academic journal
2. present list
3. rearrange laptop and segale files
4. yeay!!!!!besok dpt gaji....yezza!
5. isk. bil tepon 40 lebey.
6. briefing captains
7. prektis badminton and netball
8. nak pegi swimming
9. nk beli academic books and children books

eh, ini bukan yg nk tules. ini reminder utk diri sendri la. salah tempat la tules. hampeh!

dah. smbung bt keje. jgn violate diri sendri.

tiku yg baek.

Tuesday, 28 October 2008


'Azimat Abah' was written mase tiku kat skola dlu. once i get it, ill post it.

Monday, 27 October 2008

and so i violated myself

i violated myself
by realizing that i have ample time in hand
and doing nothing
not taking the chance
and realizing that
i m strangled after that

i violated myself
by pumping myself with food
till my eyes are way too heavy to read

i violated myself again
promising myself that i would colour
my dreams with rainbow
then i painted it dull
and dark

am i going to violate myself
again and again?
knowing that ive done it,
im still doing it

hah...makanla lagi sume cheese, cakes, mayonnaise, sugars!!
makan! asek nk makan! exercise tanak!
eiii...tiku pemalas.
reading log dah brape lame tak update!
ade esaimen, tp tgk movie.
nk beli tanah tapi asek surf adidas
nk kurus tapi asek nk makan aje.
puase tiku..puase.

ps: aku tanak kawan ngan budak name tiku neh. die dahla pemalas, suke buang mase. g jauh2 sane.

Saturday, 25 October 2008

now i do believe in intuition part 2

and so, my father's day card reached him one day before 'that day'. I went back to class and started crying. Few friends were there, and they helped to calm me down. i called tasha, talked to her for a few seconds. i lost my words. i simply didnt know what to do. it's 10 minutes to start class. Kak yuni came and offer me to go back, but i refuse. last year, before aku fly...mmg mak ade ckp pasal neh.
mak: kak dilah, nnt kalau kat sana, ada family yg meninggal...kak nk bt camna?
dilah: hurm...nk bt camna, sabaq la. dok sana, baca quran kat dia.
mak: ha, takpala kalau tau nk bt apa...semua tuh lumrah alam. kita tak tau apa nk jadi.
and i am well aware of this.ada yg meninggal ka, yg beranak ka, yg kawen staying. but this one, guess what? now theyre buying my ticket to fly back that day. that very day. throughout that state of unconscious, nadhirah was there all the time. she even cried. i dont know where my two other housemates were but im sure theyre shocked too...coz we were laughing like mad that morning. i wanted to tell them that ill be alright but i just forgot. i know they care anyway...maybe they just lost words like i did. so those two other housemates stayed in class. i pray they might be able to learn something that day, rather than thinking about me. i did everything i was told. i was so blur. i really didnt have an idea on what to do. everything was done by nad and kak yuni. they even helped me to pack. everything that was inside my luggage was listed so i when i was able to think again, i would at least have an idea of my belongings. so, there i was, with a handbag, a handluggage, train and flight ticket all in hand, making my journey home, which will never be the same as any other journey. i didnt sleep at all. i recited Yassin only once coz i got my period after that. im glad that i got my period after i finished reciting for him. it was a tearful journey. tears wont stop flowing.
i know my life would never be the same again. i was on my way home to find a house without its charm. i would go back and find his slipper, i would look at his motorcycle that might not be used again. i might find myseld catching a glimpse of him, which will never be there again. though i tried to look for him everywhere. that moment, i just wondered, where is he now? is he right beside me? is he watching me? i am the only one who never get to see him. not anymore. All in all, i dont have anything to regret. i made the effort to call him everyday. thats why i install a phone line in my room, so i get to talk to him everytime i woke up for subuh. the journey to heathrow was like a blink of an eye. i just dont realize how long it had been, now i am heathrow. i dont feel hungry at all. but i know i had to eat. mum wont like to see me battered. so yeah, i took care of myself. i now regain my emotion. i knew what happened. and i know what was going to happen at home. every soul in that house will be in a very shattered condition. and i told myself, " if you want to let yourself out, cry now, but not at home." i am not going to let myself to cry at home. coz i need to be there for them. i need to help them to go through this critical condition. i know they dont have to worry about me cause i am quite confirm that i could get through this. its because i have Him with me...every second and every breath. there i was, in Heathrow, waiting for my flight. i didnt feel tired, i could not recall hunger. al-Fatihah was all in mind now. my mind kept thinking, as i kept checking my watch. "owh, maybe they were reciting the Holy Quran to him now" "its time to bring him to masjid". the most difficult part here, i have to admit is the part where they will bury him. once again, i realized that even if i had wings, i wont make it in time to see him. i wont be able to look at his face again. and that left me in tears, again and again. Dear God, i pray that you set my soul at ease, to accept this. i know that you wont put me in this situation if i cant handle it. That is why it is me, that you chose to not being able to see him for the last time, not my sisters. for that, i am thankful that it is me, who experience this. i am grateful for if it had been my sister, i will want to swap place with them. let me be the one who didnt get the chance to see him for the last time, coz i know i will be fine. Dear God, thank you for letting my other family members, all of them be beside him till his last moment. Thank you, for driving my mind to write about him in my blog, because he is one of my reader. Every once in a while, kakmam will print the blog, and bring it home (i dont have internet access at home). She will read it to him. i didnt write much about mak because i dont feel like it yet. i write more about abah. Few times he asked me to write again, since my writing titled 'Azimat Abah' won third place in Citra Majalah Johor-Melaka in 2004 or 2003 (i cant remember).

to be continued...

Friday, 24 October 2008

set me free~

Gravity - Sara Bareilles

few days ive been dreaming bout you. isk. bangun pagi rase tak best coz in those dreams, ure running away from me. yeah, its the fact pon. and i accept that long ago. acceptance without digestion leave the fact hanging above my head ; created a shadow that steal away my sunshine. pegi la...leave me. leave me be. i wanna move on but i still cant.

I live here on my knees as I
Try to make you see that you're
Everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I
Can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down

Saturday, 18 October 2008

now i do believe in intuition

23th June 2008
i could be sure of my feelings. bercampur baur. when i got back from work, aku tak sabar2 nk smayang. tatawula nape. that day, the pray took me quite a long time coz i pour my heart out to Him. i didnt know what i rambled. finished praying, i didnt feel released. I stretched my hands for the Holy Quran, that blue one that i always love and began reciting it. after a few line, tears started running down my cheeks. How weird, coz i dont know what i was crying for. i continued reciting for a long time coz i could stop. i just could not stop. i went to bed in tears. still, i could not find the reason for my breakdown.
24th June 2008
i woke up feeling worried. i had butterflies in my stomach all the time. i just continue my day as usual. one thing about this morning was i laughed my heart out. me and my housemates were laughing at Nad for an incident that day. i dont normally laughed my heart out like that, i mean i did, but not whole-heartedly because i just didnt feel like it. This day was different though. Something popped out my mind : "eh, Tiku, nape ko gelak happy sangat neh, karang nk nanges kot..." i dont believe when ppl say, lepas gelak, ko akan nanges. then i made my way to the gym for i wanted to register to become member. i almost forgot my handphone but i had the feelings that i need the phone that day. so i went back and took my phone. i had my to do list in my hand because this day would be a busy one for me. i had many things to settle. i went to the gym but i didnt register..or did i? hurm. i forgot. i didnt think i registered. when i walked back to the main reception, there's a message alert. hurm. sape ye.. Bangmet: "dilah, call umah sat. urgent." you see, my brother is a serious type. he would not message me without any reason. the word urgent stopped my heart beat.i hope my family were playing prank on me. i really hope so. then i dialled mak's number.
"awat mak?"
"kak ok ka? kak kat mana neh?"
"ok. kak kat kolej la. awat mak?"
"la neh kak dilah sabaq..."
" awat mak, awat?" i could let her calm me down first, i just wanted to know why. i dont want to listen about any other things.
"abah...abah dah takdak"
"takpa lah na...kak dilah sabaq, bacakan yassin untuk dia...takyah la balek. byk2 sabaq na..." and she lost in tears. i couldnt hear mak's voice so hang up. i made my way to the class. still, the fact that abah is no longer with me hadn't register in my head. the conversation between mak just now played in my mind over and over again. when i finally get the idea, i utter Innalillah for him. i hadnt had any clue to utter it the moment i hear about this. the last step before i reach INTED, i started to cry, realizing the i could never see this man again. i just realize that even i catch the earliest flight of the day, i wouldnt make it in time just to see his face for the last time. i know i just couldnt. i recalled the last moment i saw him, i recalled the word i spoke to him. No wonder smalam abah tak angkat phone. the last few days pon die jarang angkat phone. die dah tak brape dengar. my Fathers day card reached him

ps: sorry guys, i cannot proceed writing. ill continue when i have the strength to talk about this again.

Sunday, 12 October 2008

im back!

i dont have any topic. this will just be a random things stuffed into one post.
1. i miss home
there are new kittens, and the nephews is getting so chatty. i feel like squeezing em all (both the anak kucing, and the nephews). maman's line is playing on and on in my mind.

maman: mama....maman ni remaja (he's 5 yrs)
mama: hah? maman remaja? sape ajar neh?
maman: betol la, maman kan remaja
mama: ha, ok la. mama pon remaje jugak. maman tanak balek umah ibu ke?
maman: taknak la. maman nk dok umah maktok. maman syg maktok ngan mama jugak.
err....uiks. meruntun hati untuk pulang! cepat la nk balek msia.

mama: im, anak kuceng kaler ape?
iim: kaler hitam, putih, hijau
mama: maman, anak kuceng baru kaler ape?
maman: purple.

sungguh colourful kaler anak2 kuceng baru. aku ade anak kuceng baru setelah kuceng2 jantan kat umah bt onar kat kuceng betina yg baru dtg. then mak sembunyi mak kuceng and anak2 kuceng dlm kotak, letak kat blakang sliding door. lantas, sume orang lupe pasal anak kceng tuh. once derang teringat, anak2 kuceng tuh dah agak besar and gemok! omg. sape tanak pegang anak kuceng gemok. kakmam was so excited to tell me about anak kuceng yg segak. alah. imagine je la, sume anak kceng pon comel, bile ditambah dengan ke'segak'an... isk. i cant imagine betapa kiutnyer anak kuceng! grrr.....nk anak kceng!

2. esaimen
in queue:
~LAC (tiku, zu lee, mira)

group written
~TSLD 10 (group: to be decided)
~TEYL (tiku, z, mira)
written? isk...ade written ke tak eh. erm...nnt check.

academic wise, i think banyak mende nk bt. but i take mom's advice...buat slow2..take one thing at a time and youll get thru. oh, mak...i am amazed by you. thats why youre 'mak'.

3. financial
i think ive been spending a lot. bulan neh and bulan lepas nyer phone bill ade la exceed 10 pound from usual. (i allocate 50 pound only for me phone bills everymonth...for 3 phone). everything pon exceed. TIKU! SUDAH2 LA...

ps: to izzati, jgn sedey2. im here for you. take care. love you dear. da~

ok. thats all. gtg. tata~