not gonna give up

being in unfair situation will probably upsets us, especially feeling victimized. only the way we react can make the difference. if one react on the spot, the result may be not the way one wants because taking action when you're mad means you cant think correctly. me? i choose to keep it to myself for a short time till i feel better. i know myself. at least i am aware that i am emotional type of person, and i am quick tempered. therefore, after a while, i choose to confront the person. its better than keeping to yourself forever and merajuk tak tentu pasal. i am seriously upset, but i am not giving up. i will earn my respect. i am not gonna jeopardize my love for this thing, because of one person not being fair to me. because others have nothing to do with this, so they are not to be blamed.
i choose to proceed and im gonna prove this. simply because YOU ARE NOT BEING FAIR!
if i continue to protest, i am violating my belief. all this while i believe in if you give commitment, you will get it. you want something, work for it. if i choose to sulk, i am putting myself at risk because of emotional thing. so btpe kan. i did it once, when Cik Yan doesnt believe that i can make it to final hurdle. i worked for that, and i get silver. i proved it anyway. i want to gain something, not losing a thing. giving up? its just not me.

(feel like walking out and slamming the door, but i choose to close the door quietly, smiling sweetly before i left).

CHILDHOOD SWEETHEART

Memories of a childhood sweetheart, inbedded deep
Memories I know, I will always keep
In waking hours, and when I sleep
Memories of him always manages to creep.

Many the years that so quickly past
Still childhood memories continue to last
All those good old days, life was a blast
But time slips by much too fast.

Many times in my dream I can see
Standing there smiling sweetly at me
The childhood sweetheart I thought would be
My lover for life, my one and only.

A childhood sweetheart who can no longer share
A part of my life, yet I wonder does he still care
Today I'll say a very special prayer
For my childhood sweetheart somewhere out there.

Memories of a childhood sweetheart is making me blue
I wish I could live it again, how about you?

taken from: Norma Jean Duncan

finally, i manage to say what i mean. fuh~

post yg semakin merepek

to be honest, i dont really like the way i post lately. takde reason. so, forgive me for late update or anything. i will only post something better next time. heh. asek post2 pendek yg merepek2 camneh...tak best la. (personal view). till next post.

Wahai December

December dah menjelang....tolong2!!!

IT Assignment
Keja Royal Mail
Primary Written
TEYL Microteaching

Klise? Typical??

When Kak Melia talked about teenager are at a stage where they are still looking for their own identity....i wonder. years gone by...i though i understood that, but i know i didnt yet.

yesterday, went to Stuart Gold's class...i put on my usual jeans, my Adidas sweater, and my jersey? did i wear jersey. ntah. lupe. i know that i am very comfortable in that thing. it is just my thing. jeans, jersey or tshirt, sport shoes and adidas. i know i always go for sporty thing, but lately i forgot who i am. i mean, why do i have to go and be someone that is not me? why do i need to follow since i hate to follow. for me, yeah...lantakla nk kuar fesyen ape pon, i am wearing what i want to wear. yeah, all those pegged trousers, wide leg jeans...i think its nice. i admit its nice and trendy. up to that point only. it is not that i dont wanna wear it or something but i hate to be typical. just not me. i listened to all those jiwang melody since primary school, and i listen to it until now. Saddam once fall asleep listening to my buble, but i stay wide awake listening to that. and i got bubbly too. i am more to Nike and Adidas sort of person. well, hey...dont get me wrong. i wear Animal and i survey Zara and Monsoon too. ill buy skirt once in a while.

Most people will shop with their salary, but i think now its time for me to be wiser. i am a spendthrift. until now, i am very good at spending (most of us are). however, i think it is a good time for me to really decide on what i want, and really pursue it. dont mind if i am seen as a black sheep, every one is a black sheep anyway, in their own way. i see myself, as a person doing master before reaching 30, and on my way to completing PhD a decade after that, (i give myself time until i am 45). i want to start finding ways to financial stability. economic recession really push you to the limit. you never know you can save like this if its not because of recession.

well, once you walk into a shop, suddenly you need everything. sudenly everything is so cheap, that you can afford it, not knowing youll be in debt, or 'kering' when you get home. heh. normal...that is perfectly normal.

so, this is what i think Kak Melia means, that when one found herself, she is comfortable in what she is, regardless of what is going on around. it wont influence her that much since she knows where she stands.

owh..btw, need to finish my present list. but assignment is around the corner.
omg. dah asar!!!

hampeh la!

i am amazed at people who can bare their true self and let it show, regardless of what people say. me? nope. never. my past is too horrible even to start with. thats is why, i like being here. i am a lone ranger. since skola lagi, i am. i do care about what people say, but i keep it to myself. if i cry, i keep it in. well, some say i cant hide my emotion, though sometimes i tried to hide it...people who knows me well will know just how to interpret it. i am just an open book, coz i am chatty?? chatty ke? isk. pening la plak. dah tatawu nk tules ape. papelah. i dont know myself. maybe one of the things i am quite sure of is, i am comfortable in jersey, sports attire then in skirts or what so eva. not feminine sgt la, but bile im in the mood, aku blasah jgak. suke ati la kan nk bt ape...isk. post neh mmg hampeh. dah. nk g bace cerite fairy tales. pastuh nk tido. kan itu bedtime stories....

of nana patekar and agni sakshi

dinner time, talking to hana and zati about this 'one bollywood story' of a sadist. i watched this movie few times since mak likes to watch hindustan and we only have one tv a that time. so, i didnt have choice but to watch. im not talking about this nana patekar guy or the movie, but the emotion i get while watching this makes me remember it. i grew up being in umah pengasuh,(maktok) before tadika. maktok would switch the tv on during hindustan time. around noon, tv2 slalunya. if im not mistaken. thats where bollywood movies entered my life. being in umah maktok, i didnt like to watch tv or anything. simply because its not my home. i wanna go home to mak, but thats not possible coz mak was not home. she was at school-lah, what else since she's a teacher. then, next stage in life: primary school. when i came back, ill do whatever i wanted to do smpyla mak balek. around 4 sumtin. bile mak balek, i would be busy maen kat padang. so i didnt really lepak ngan mak sampyla weekend. weekend, biasela, panggung sabtu. i am not sure whether TV2 ade tayang hindustan or not, but i guess ade. it was jumaat, during noon. again, i am not sure. this is my favourite part. i am not into hindustan sgt, but the opportunity to spend time with mak is what i am craving for. even mak would only baring kat blakang, and doze off few minutes after that...leaving me nganga depan tv tuh without realizing that i had the chance to switch to other channel, for me that is haven. it was during one of this moment that i encounter this nana patekar guy and this movie. mak would tell me, " dia neh nama nana patekar"... or while watching pramlee..." ha, ni la mak ebby saiful" bla bla bla... i am not paying attention anyway. but somehow the info stay in my mind. haih. inilah berkat seorang ibu. ape die ckp entered my mind, and stay there. heh. young child crave for attention, same goes to me though i am not a child. it is due to this reason that i like to meng-ekor mak anywhere mak goes. from my house to Kompleks Dato' Kailan pon nk ikot. i even gule2 kan mak, ajak mak g avon. i didnt buy anything, but mak did. i sometimes deal with mak, that she would pick me up at home (when she got back from school) and we would go ronda2 pekan. i could rempit to pekan, tapi saje la. nk manje ngan mak. eleh. bukan buat ape. siyes, i didnt buy anything except Whiskas. yg membelinyer, mak. i just wanna spend time with her. itu aje. eh, apsal mate basah neh. stop tiku stop. go and get tissue. dah besar pon omsick ke...tata~

sengih sorang2 depan laptop

you should come and see my face while im writing this post. siyesly. hurm. you dont see me? mmg la tak kan...ill tell you then.
"sitting depan laptop, sengih mcm kerang busuk..hati berbunga2"
thats my condition now.

1. jam mak, snowglobe tok dah sampai. puas hati.
2. i am in love.

are you gonna ask me about that 2nd point? yep. ill tell you.

"Kau Tercipta"
heh, camne aku tatawu lagu VE yg neh. urgh. aku suke VE tahap nk nanges sbab derang berpecah. i mean, what on earth nk berpecah when you have such a fantastic fan like me. isk. klu la bleh bt surat protest. first thing first, i dont listen to malay songs since kecik. masuk skola menengah br blaja dengar lagu melayu. (stop there! jgn ingat aku nk blagak, tapi sbab tak biase). then, i started with bila rindu. wah..masyukk beb! mmg time tuh tgh bercinta pon. i was introduced with 'izinkan'. pergh. mcm makan sambal belacan! at that time, i cant decide which one i prefer, since i like both VE and Ruffedge. i guess time tuh pon derang br start,bt album skali ke ah? isk. tatawula. then, when they really follow path, i still cant decide. (apsal lah yg aku nak decide sgt neh...mampos la...layannn). not long after that i notice that i like VE more, because for me, music ruffedge bersepah. (abesla aku kene ngan Ruffedge Fan after neh). not bersepah like bersepah, but buat aku rase agak sesak compare to VE. so, i follow VE. i know almost all songs. incredibly amazing voice. just name their songs, ill sing it for you. i hate to start listening to them coz i wont be able to stop. once i gave someone their CD as a birthday present since he likes VE too. i can write non stop for my feelings for VE since im in love with them, but u will vomit reading it. hahaha. nah, hadiah sbab korang sudi dengar leteran aku pasal VE yg takde kene mengena ngan korang. weh, ive gtg la. kene tido. besok nk g maen2 madminton. not training. ill go maen2 ngan zati. wakakaka. madminton because we'll be maen2 like mad. wahahaha. isk. senyum la tiku...senyum sampai besok! lampu tido dah la terbakar...wakakaka.

owh, basically, VE is lagu cinta tiku. neh la lagu mase bercinta, mase konon2 bercinta, mase tak bercinta pon dengar. sbab aku cinta sama VE!

since i dont have anything to do...

actually i do have something to do, but i mean to write but dunno what to write. so i found this:

The English Language

Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?

Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out

And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.

dah la tiku, get back to work!

recap

mak: jam, kasut
tok: snowglobe, kasut

12 nov-18 nov: keje kat nuffield
17 nov: bday francene
19 nov: induction royal mail at 7pm, with kaknad
20 nov- 22 nov: brussels trip
21 nov : bday sarah
23 nov: prepare for TSLD10 presentation
24 nov: TSLD10 presentation
bday tasha
24 nov - 29 nov: keje nuffield
28 nov: dinner
4 dec: microteaching
5 dec: sslc
8 dec: submit written assignment TSLD10

ps: wes kawan2...tolonglah...aku takde idea nk tules ape neh...

episode: lebam

nmpak krusi tinggi.
"eh, best la klu bleh dok pusing2".. she walked to that high stool. doklah situ. mmg die maen pusing2 krusi. her friend yasmeng came and joined her.
" jom meng, meh aku tolak ko. bak sini kaki"
and she spinned her friend. krusi jatuh, keting kene kaki kerusi.
"ouch, saket!"
tgk keting, cam berdarah. tersenyap jap budak tuh. isk. kaki die berdenyut2 agaknye. luckily, her friend sempat lompat turun from that stool.yg tukang tolak tadi tu la yg cedera.

next.
isk. bola...kene kejar. tanpa mempedulikan GA yg ntah kat depan ke kat blakang die. die terus mengejar bola sebelum bola jatuh ke tangan lawan. gedebuk. aduh...dah la court neh tar. ergh. saket tapak tangan. alamak...suar koyak plak. seb baek banyak lapis budak neh pakai. or else, dengan kulit2 die pon koyak. isk. mase tinggal brape minit neh. tahan...tahan. maen dulu. saket nnt pk. die pon bangun balek, tanpa menyedari bahwa GA pihak lawan juge saket kaki. mereka sama2 tersadung.

one day before the past 2 incidents.(nuffield hospital)
nk amek mop nk cuci toilet ah lepas neh. cepat2...cepat siap bleh minom hot chocolate. bergegas nk g naek atas tanpa menyedari depan die ade meja. erk! saket! inilah sbnanyer lebam pertama di kaki budak itu. skarang neh die lebam2.

ps: kisah budak nakal. cedera bukan sebab maen. cedera sbab die maen2...

its different this time

another 20 mins to go to notts. obviously teringat kagum last year. kak sal will do post mortem at night, g amek food utk team. sidai setokin ramai2 kat ujong blok, then kene tiup angin, pastuh stokin masuk longkang. its weird, really, not to have tasha and line and sarah by myside this time. and cik yan too. and the person sitting beside me in the bus will not be the same person this time. haih. how i miss kagum. but thats not to put me down. just the feeling nk bertolak tuh still same. packing and stuff. its just that this time, balek keje trus packing, depart. i hope i can sleep well, after losing sleep this few days. penat woo...and i wish izzati will sleep soundly too. i know she's tired. cume die tak sempat pk yg die tuh penat, sbab...klu die pk pon, ape die bleh bt. keje ttp keje. meeting kene attend. extra work packing plus memasak still kene buat. nk maen besok plak. haish. kawan2...semoga tido lena dlm bas. aku bwk makanan byk, sbab aku rase nnt aku la kaki lapar. so, jgn peep in my bag, ull be surprise.
Line and Tasha: apa la ampa dok bt la neh. da abes exam ke blom ek. ok ke exam tadi? apsal tak reply msg aku, tasha?
Sarah: whr u? u kat aussie ke balek msia
nani, kilod, emma: eh, korang join orchestra ek? ade rezeki aku g tgk korang perform eh. ey, kilod, ko nk g jumpe zati ke? amboi2! siap ko.
family:.......................semoga segalanya dimudahkan Allah.
love you all. mintak maaf salah silap.

tata~

okay....then?

9.30pm,
i was walking back to Marjon. alone. yeah. at night. fine.
i reached student village and my eyes caught a group of people running. okay. i think they only had ties on. and i continued walking towards the car park, the one near the field. before i reached there, i bumped into these guys. ha, betul lah. stark naked. the first one to see me screamed, the same time with me. haha. kantoi. oklah. they were peeing at a number of cars. sian owner die. abes busuk kete pagi besok. then i buat2 bodoh. jalan je lah. i reached that quiet place kat carpark tuh. then these people ran behind me. isk. janganla dtg kat aku. i speed up my pace but not up to running stage. then ade sorang mamat neh, lari depan aku. yg laen ikot. omg. dah kene kepung. isk. apela derang nk bt. but i dont have that feeling, the one yg if u sense danger, u will sweat and your heart beats faster. i dont feel anything. but in mind, mestilah ter pk...ape la nk jadi kat aku neh. then i continued walking, even the guys formed a circle around me, and they were holding hands. kire if i wanna escape, it would be quite hard lah. isk. tadi aku dah tak pandang derang kan, apsal kene kepung plak neh. one of the things in my mind was, what would it be if it was another person in that circle. what if its hana, or nad, or zati, or yan. because they would be back almost at the same time with me. hurm. i wonder. when they formed a complete circle..."Marjon first team united!" ceit! neh mesti kes initiaiton nk masuk team.

i was relieved though. what if derang bt pape kat aku td? fon takde kat tgn. nk jerit, mmg tempat tuh takde owang. then came a car, derang nyer coach. haha. the guys pon smbung la lari lagi. mlm. sejuk. in nude.

moral:
balek keje lalu tempat gelap...eh, cerah.
follow ur instinct.
sentiase jalan laju2.., relevant tak?
jgn lari stark naked memalam bute. sejuk.

lastly, bukan salah tiku. salah derang tak pakai baju.