i spoiled my first time

It was 19^th Feb 2009. Or maybe it was last July in the year 2008.

I was dragging my feet to work lately. It has been a long time working as a cleaner for me. Or at least I feel like it has been. So I took 2 days off, because I plan to go to Young Entrepreneur conference at Eden, and helping my friend with her project at the Barbican. Things change at a short notice , I cannot undo my day off so I proceed with it. I was thankful though for having sometime to myself. Not only have I had 2 days off at work, but also 2 days off from class and lectures.

I attended the Yassin recitation at a friend’s house. It was my first time really. I was excited, that I burned my flapjack. I had to do it second round. But it was easy-peasy.

It started normal, like we normally did at Musolla. Started with selawat, and al-fatihah and stuffs. I opened the page, I saw people forming circles. I recognize the faces around. I saw someone sitting on the moo, I saw all girls bending their heads down, eyes following Arabic letters horizontally, mouth reciting it faithfully. All focused. The air was cold, as the window was opened. I feel cold. The sound buzzed in my ears. I started to follow. Then I stopped.

I looked around. The morning seemed quite. I saw the fluffy white fur of that creature which sat on the wooden platform erected in the middle of red earth. The creature meows. It looked at me, and I looked at it. ‘Thank you’, I murmured. Thank you for keeping him company. Thanks for staying with him, all these while when I couldn’t come. I was not clean yet.

I searched for the mat for me to sit. I like the white kurung I wore that day. With my white head scarf. I tried to dress as nice as possible, as presentable as I can. I brought along my favourite read, that blue book, quite heavy. I opened it to 903. My emotion did not tremble, at least not yet. I visited the journey that I experience, without sleeping, without the ability to swallow food. My mind focused on many things, how ironic. The brain failed to recognize my basic needs. I don’t feel tired, that’s why I cant sleep. The brain failed to search to ‘hunger’ cable. So I rejected food. I looked at the letters. The letter Ya, with the duck-like shaped. And the letter ‘Sin’, a beautiful letter for me. I like the way it was painted with the last curve longer and heavier than the other two curves. Pretty.

Here I am, the first time in days, coming to tell you that I am back. That I am thankful to have you in my life, to have an ample time with you to at least let you know that I love you. This is my first gift to you, promising that other gifts will follow. I know our bond did not end, as mom’s bond with you end with your last breath. Didn’t you know that I was a part of mom? Yes, of course you know. Do you hear my heart? If you don’t, He listens and He knows. So I proceed. One by one line recited, with the trembling hands, accompanied by flow of tears. Flooded the two wells. Moistened the Holy page. I felt that each and every word was the bridge between us. I spoke to you as I recited those magical words. I pour my heart out, telling you how I felt, how I missed you but couldn’t find you anywhere.

Before I knew it, it was the last line. The hardest part was coming to the last line. Its hard to end this conversation. Dad, I have come a long way, to find you not waiting for me. Dad, I have come all the way down to find your grave, without the last chance even to catch you last view. I know, He has greater plan for me. Maybe something better. Dad, I want to be a good and filial servant, so my prayer reaches you.

The atmosphere was very different. I clutches the Holy Quran. Hold it tight to my chest. If I could, I wanted to bury it in my heart, so I have all the words ready to sooth me in times of need. I cant stop my eyes welling now. I am going to break down. Therefore I withdraw myself, feeling guilty for spoiling my first time. I withdraw myself and prostrate, for “seek patience with prayer”. The two rakaats wouldn’t seem enough to pour it all out. But He knows. He knows everything that I hide.